Spiral galaxy of stars hails ITV's 'Season of Culture'

Clerkenwell Astrodome hosts gala launch

by Bob Wallet

Judging by the hordes of paparazzi, satellite channel broadcasting vans, red carpets, frantic PRs and the distinctly soapy smell in the air, you had to conclude that something special, something "otherworldly" was happening outside the Astrodome on Clerkenwell High Street. As soon as TV celebrity Bill Roache, Corrie's Ken Barlow, appeared in a blue stretch limousine, the event roared into life.

Fern Britton: A big star in every sense Underneath a giant neon hoarding (apparently the largest in Europe after one in Germany promoting Franz Beckenbauer's autobiography Ich Spielen am Muller: Gunter Netzer dis Werweibund) an unfeasibly glamorous array waddled, strolled, galloped, crawled, creeped and flounced towards ex-all-in wrestler, Fern Britton, the 22-stone compere for the night. "This is the greatest day of my life," beamed Bad Girl's Florry Toostuck. "A night like no other," gasped Keith B Pickle of Heartbeat. "Marvellous, momentous, lucrative," added Ken Clarke impersonator Chris Tarrant.

Inside a packed Astrodome a giant DiamondVision wall screen (apparently the second largest in Europe after one erected in Hamburg to promote Eurovision Winner Heimlich's new album Eine Nursprich in der Ruhr: ein zwei drei... Achtung!) played a roll-call of ITV's new line up for summer 2005. "It's gonna be hot, it's gonna be what? It's gonna be ITV." Celebrity faces appeared and disappeared. Voices old and new, familiar — Julie Goodyear — and not so familiar — Sir Trevor MacDonald — trumpeted such perennial favourites as "I'm An Arsehole, Keep Me in Here", "Celebrity Sleepover", and "Who Wants to be Another Celebrity?".

But what the gathered press were here for was the new line-up and whether it would meet stringent Ofcom guidelines to smarten up and offer a wider cultural choice on Britain's primary terrestrial channel. We weren't disappointed or surprised. So, coming to a telly near you, get ready for:

Celebrity Croc Hunt: Antipodean shorts wearer Steve Brucey takes a team of celebrities down the world's longest rivers hunting crocodiles, alligators and caymans to bring them back to top London restaurants where they'll be served to a panel of celebrity judges including Carol Vorderman, Robert Kilroy-Silk and Amanda Platell.

Securicor Challenge: Two teams of celebrities will be locked up in Broadmoor, Ashworth, Holloway and Styal. They will undergo psychology tests before and after the ordeal with the winner being the one showing the least signs of post traumatic stress disorder. Viewers will be able to vote out their least favourite prison warders.

Kidney Swap: Over a three week period viewers will follow the lives of twelve members of the public suffering from renal failure, with the winner being guaranteed a new kidney in an MRSA-free hospital in Vienna.

Hell's Toilet: Who has the filthiest toilet in Britain. Health advice and tips from celebrity pan scourers Robert Llewellin Bowen and AA Gill.

It's Not What You Know...: New game show with regular teams of celebrities competing to be the biggest thicko in Britain. Already lined up are Wayne Rooney, Pete Waterman (fresh from his Broadway success "I Was Never in Abba, but I Could Have Been") and a freshly-exhumed Arthur Mullard returning to television after a fourteen-year absence.

Murder at t'Mill: Historical murder mystery whodunit set in a south Yorkshire cotton town, starring Jimmy Nail and 60s veteran Tony Curtis.

News at Night: A new news and current affairs show fronted by Sir Trevor MacDonald, accompanied every week by a different celebrity guest presenter. Already lined up will be Emma Bunton investigating the genocide in Darfur; Kris Akabussi looking for stolen emeralds in Angola; Andy Crane on the lookout for head-hunters in Indonesia; and a special report by Ozzy Osborne on child prostitution in China's emerging economy.

Up Our Street: A new daytime soap set in a west midlands town. The residents of Kipper Terrace are amazed when a celebrity moves into number 14. But what secret is she keeping from them? Look out for guest appearances by Martin Peters, Rodney Marsh, Colin Crompton, Ed 'Stewpot' Stewart, and Reginald Bosenquet.

All this plus re-runs of "Oh No, It's Selwyn Froggit", "The Tomorrow People" and "Magnus Magnusson Larges It In Maidenhead", first seen in 1975. ITV's new Head of Entertainment, Mark Ointment, branded the line up "Our strongest for decades. This takes ITV right back to the glory days of the 1980s: Cannon and Ball, Metal Mickey, Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right, and 3-2-1. There's something for everyone; good solid family entertainment. And in many cases educational and informative."

But not everyone is impressed. Professor Sir Germaine Greer derided the scheduling as retrospective, shallow and "about as interesting as a night in bed with an apple tree". Eminent art critic Brian Sewell described it all as 'putrid filth'. And NuLabour Education Minister Ruth "Boywoman" Kelly announced to the House of Commons that she was "disappointed that ITV hadn't adopted a more courageous approach". However, she did say that she was pleased the broadcaster hadn't gone ahead with it's most controversial programme "It's Iran Folks, But Not As You Know It" — A twelve-part documentary following the planning and lead up to the previously secret US invasion of Iran.

The new schedule will start on 8 June.

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Spiral galaxy of stars hails ITV's 'Season of Culture'

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