NuLabour: Soft on Daleks and the causes of Daleks

The astonishing announcement by the British Board of Film Classification that Doctor Who will have to be released on DVD with a 12 certificate has now caused acute embarrassment to a newly-elected NuLabour government. Charles Clarke, the Homeley Secretary, hoping to reintroduce the legislation on ID cards and locking up dark skinned foreigners for no reason, must now answer allegations that the government has gone soft on Daleks.

The furore blew up over a recent episode of the new Doctor Who series, starring Mancunian actor Christopher Eccleston. In one scene an imprisoned and chained Dalek is electrocuted by a hysterical Doctor wreaking revenge for the destruction of his own planet. However, when the scene was viewed by twelve members of the BBFC Kiddies Programme Department, the overwhelming opinion was that this set a bad example for children, releasing a statement saying: "Torture is not a way to resolve problems. Children watching this scene and then meeting a Dalek in their school playground might feel obliged to torture it and taunt it in a Mancunian accent."

What was thought to be a storm in a teacup soon blew up into a minor embarrassment when Charles Clarke stood up in Parliament and answered a question from Opposition Spokesman on Crime, Guy Chaperall (19): "Is the Homeley Secretary aware of the BBFC's decision to show compassion to the Daleks?" Clarke responded by saying he was and promised a public inquiry to be chaired by an old man from the Savoy Club. Later in the day a rushed document containing the brief for the public inquiry was released to the press. There were a few notable changes, including: "The criteria for investigation will be limited to the episode of Doctor Who in question and whether there is any link, unintended or otherwise, between the Daleks and their implicit role in international terrorism."

Angus Calyard, current head of the BBFC was forced to reveal the full statement regarding the adjudication on the Doctor Who DVD. In it paragraph 12 stated: "Whilst the Daleks are recognised as a work of fiction and make believe we can't help acknowledging that there was only one portrayed in this episode. It is common knowledge that previous episodes included many more Daleks, their whereabouts of which are now unknown. There is a very slight possibility that they and their leader Davros have gone to ground and are actively involved in international terrorism and possibly part of an as yet undiscovered al-Qaeda cell. Scenes of torture and degradation might be interpreted by the Muslim community as being disrespectful to Islam."

This connection between Islam and the Daleks was immediately seized upon by an enraged Muslim Council of Britain. "Once again we see British institutions linking Islam with evil," said a spokesman for the organisation. Charles Clarke sent an unreserved apology to the Council, stressing that every avenue of investigation will be covered by the inquiry and that the conclusion will hopefully be reached that the Daleks are not worthy of compassion, understanding or be immune from the odd bit of torture now and again. He also reminded people that the Daleks were probably "atheistic fundamentalists".

The report is due out at the end of June. "Gorgeous" George Galloway, MP for Befnall Green and Bow, was asked for his opinion, but was unavailable for comment. His PA told The Rockall Times: "George is currently in Washington recording a duet with hip-hop star Condoleezza Rice."

Previously

• Jubilant Blair trounces Ba'ath opponent
• Doctor Who the fuc*k you lookin' at?
• NuLabourmp3 trumpets 1000th download