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  Monday 30th May 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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European expansion plan dealt crushing blow

Dynamo Amritsar to lose out on Champions League spot
by Bob Wallet

The French decision to say "non" to a new European Constitution is having wider repercussions than anyone could have predicted. Former French President and Michelin three star chef Valery Giscard D'Estaing is considering his position as author of the 890 page document, as Europe reels from a series of blunders, gaffes and controversies. "Europe must now reflect on its situation and identity," Tony Blair told a conference of insomniacs in Blackpool. "Perhaps, and I-we-the government, say this with caution, Europe is expanding too quickly."

Suspicions began to arise eighteen months ago when Nato and the EU held joint talks on a new European army. US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfelt asked why Turkey was being invited to join the EU "Rapid Reaction Force". When told that Turkey was part of Europe he countered with the now notorious query: "And Ghana?" Lord Sir Vice-Admiral Stafford Quips-ffforbes, who chaired the meeting told The Rockall Times: "There were a few chaps around the table who were momentarily caught with their trousers down. Trousers down, they were. Nothing worse than the sight of a chap with his trousers down. But the fact was Ghana had asked to be included and we thought, 'well why not?' Ghana's a pretty decent place, some jolly good clubs in the capital Accra. We thought it made good sense, so we said to their chap 'alright, you're in'. And then this wretched little man from America started to put his two pen'orth in."

But what the Lord Sir Vice-Admiral could not deny was the odd state of affairs in which a European Rapid Reaction force included the armies of Ghana, Ivory Coast, Tunisia, Chad, Nepal, Laos, Paraguay and the Solomon Islands.

Jumping to case number two and the ridiculous furore that blew up at the start of this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Already bloated to 39 entries, Israel often cause raised eyebrows when academics, without fail, pop up in the Europhobic press asking why a Middle East country is taking part in a European contest. Paul Morley, leading UK art critic, writer, polemicist and ghost author of Eurovision: Why My Puppet on a String Says Hey Layee-loo, explains: "The Eurovision Song Contest is organised by the European Broadcasting Union and anyone can belong to the EBU. Israel is a long standing member and this year Lebanon were due to take part, but were disqualified when it was discovered that they were going to play a commercial break during the Israeli song."

He told The Rockall Times that plans to include Egypt, Morocco and Tunisia were flawed, and that plans to extend the contest to Namibia, Tanzania, Aijerbaijan, Vietnam and the Philippines were downright crazy. "You'll end up with a contest more like the World Cup. A Salingeresque nightmare on many levels. Mark E Smith was right when he sang 'the night of the Eurobore draws ever longer'."

Since the "Big Bang", in which ten new countries were admitted to the EU family, more nations on the brink of economic stability have been clambering onto Europe's wobbly perimeter. Romania, Moldova, even dusty Belarus are getting their houses in order and expecting the invite to flip-flop onto the doormat at any moment. Equally confident are Turkey, Bolivia, Barbados, China and the New Zealand sector of Antarctica. All of which sends shivers down collective French spines. "The EU idea," says Jacques Anjil, Rockall Times' European Correspondent and EU constitution expert, "was a peacekeeping initiative. Now every Tom, Dick and Arry would like a slice of the gateaux. Soon Europe will stretch from Beijing arbour to the Bermuda Triangle. It is a madness. For example, who will translate Lithuanian into Tashawit?"

Madness indeed. And the problems don't stop there. English ambassador to UEFA, Harry Rednapp (34), highlights another impending problem. "The real reason Liverpool won't be allowed to defend their Champions' League title is because the competition is swelling to bursting point. You've got all the Eastern European clubs, the Caucasus region, Maccabi Tel Aviv are in it every year. Now, we're getting teams from Asia masquerading as Georgian or Armenian clubs just to qualify for the Champions' League."

One such team, Redknapp points out is Dynamo Amritsar, formerly known as the Colonial Gun Club of Punjabi. They won the Indian First Division, two points ahead of Lokomotiv Madras. Last season they would have qualified for the Asian Champions' Tournament, but instead entered a FIFA accredited competition against Nagorno Kharabhak champions Victoria Uzkado. The winners would gain a place in the qualifying round of next season's Champions' League tournament. "At the expense of Liverpool. It's crazy," says a weary Redknapp. "We've got Dynamo Amritsar, Racing Taipei, Crvena Manilla... What the hell's going on? I spoke to Big Ron last week in his cell in Sierra Leone and he agreed. Somefink's got to be done."

US Secretary of State Condoleeezza Missy Bad Rice would also like to know what the hell's going on, albeit asking in more industrial language. On her recent state visit to Moscow, which was temporarily renamed Mokva, to confuse her, she addressed the Politburo and asked: "Just what da fu*ck is it wi dese Euro homeboys and they're expansionism. Biggin it wi da Indies and da Phillipinos? Y'all need to get it in yo heads, we don't allow no Euro expansionism unless we's a part of it, yo know wha am sayin? And next year, if da Druze of Lebanon is goin for da Euro Song Contest then Mary J Blige is gonna be crackin butt with 50 Cent, and y'all gonna get a kick in da ass."

So, as ever, we return to the French and conduct our own bit of research to see what they think should happen; how would they rewrite a new constitution. The results were surprising, if not a little retrospective, but it was obvious the French are still pining for the good old days when Europe's borders and personality were clearly defined. All they want is as follows:

Europe's borders returned to pre-Iron Curtain days, when law and order stopped at the East German border, and the cry of "One Yugoslavia, there's only one Yugoslavia..." filled the terraces on a Saturday afternoon.

The Eurovision Song Contest, once again competed for by the likes of Luxembourg, Monaco, Austria and Holland. With the Balkan Diaspora and Baltic states having their own sing-along-contest where nepotism won't matter.

The dissolution of the Champions League and a return to the old format of European Cup, FA Cup Cup Winner's Cup Cup, and Uefa Cup with final over two legs. A pure knockout tournament with special invitations to Eastern European teams with groovy names like Crvena Zvezda and Ujpesti Dosza, just to confuse Johnny-Foreigner-baiting commentators on ITV.

An overwhelming demand for the return of Jeux Sans Frontieres. In all the polls conducted from Le Mans to Cap d'Antibes, the French were desperate for the resurrection of giant Frankensteins fastened to industrial strength rubber bands, ten foot tall waiters sloshing water all over Eddie Waring, and Belgian-eating Dragons.

We presented our findings to Valery Giscard D'Estaing and Peter Mandelson, Britain's representative in the EU Commission. D'Estaing was surprised and slightly delighted to see a return of Jeux Sans Frontieres and Mandelson asked "whatever happened to Ujpesti Dosza?" Maybe there's a chance the results might be written into a new draft of the constitution resulting in an overwhelming "Oui" and a return to the good old days when Europe knew what a barmy place it was and gloried in it.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man