French pull off referendum blinder

Editorial note: All of the quotes in this piece were supplied by the writer as direct transcriptions of the original "comedy French". We at The Rockall Times will not tolerate this kind of attempt to extract cheap laughs at the expense of our Gallic cousins. Accordingly, they have been rewritten in proper English and the author sentenced to listen to non-stop French accordion music for a week. Thankyou.

The French yesterday uncorked an estimated 10,500,000 bottles of champagne as a wave of euphoria swept the country in the wake of the historic "non" vote in the EU constitution referendum.

In what many have hailed as a "triumph of democracy", France effectively scuppered the constitution leaving exasperated Germans, Italians and Spanish to ask themselves why they had ever bothered to give the thing constitutional shelf space.

In Paris, one man astride a bicycle bearing strings of onions told our reporter: "This is a great day for France. We have exercised our absolute and democratic right to say 'non' to more rights. We don't want more rights — just the right to eschew more rights. Vive la France!"

Another man in a stripy, polo-neck jumper took time from tucking into a platter of stuffed songbird and an enormous glass of calvados to offer: "I voted 'non' because I could not understand the constitution. I tried to read it but, to be honest, I never got past page three." He then proffered the offending document, but rejected all our attempts to convince him that his problems of comprehension were easily explained by the fact that he had picked up the Polish version by mistake.

"Non, non and thrice non," he insisted, before inviting us to leave by shrugging his shoulders and sticking out his bottom lip with a little "pah!"

A little further down the rue, we came across an old crone knitting furiously at the foot of madame guillotine in the excited expectation of the arrival of a cartload of condemned EU bureaucrats. "I voted 'non' because the constitution failed to recognise our shared Christian heritage," she confessed through snail-stained teeth. "And furthermore, I am disgusted that the admission of Turkey into the EU will bring 500 million Muslims into our happy family," she added before jumping nimbly to her feet, raising a glass of absinthe and declaring: "Liberté, fraternité, égalité ..."

It's not all joy and clear white light, however. One gentleman in a black beret swigging fine wine from a goatskin bag while tucking into an enormous platter of Camembert and horse meat lamented: "I voted 'oui' in the hope that it might swing my grant application to cultivate organic Afghan blue asparagus. Sacre bleu! What have we done?"

In Britain, meanwhile, the government yesterday uncorked an estimated 100 bottles of the finest French champagne as a wave of euphoria swept the Cabinet in the wake of the historic "non" vote in the EU constitution referendum.

In what Tony Blair hailed as a "triumph of democracy", France effectively scuppered the constitution leaving delighted British politicians to celebrate the fact that they would not now be held responsible for buttfuc*king the EU.

A recent poll showed that — were the UK to hold a similar referendum — around 99.8 per cent of citizens would send the constitution packing with a resounding "nah". The remaining 0.2 per cent is thought to represent those in long-term comas following serious car accidents.

Previously

• The Rockall Times' at-a-glance guide to the new Europe
• French pull off diplomacy blinder
• Jacques Chirac joins UKIP