Rockall welcomes Russian trawler fleet

The authorities on Rockall yesterday issued an official statement in which they expressed their delight with Russian trawler operations around Rockall which have hoovered up to 4000 tons of troublesome haddock from the seas surrounding the sacred islet.

The statement came in response to reports that the Russkies had deployed 50-millimetre nets which allowed nothing to escape the attentions of the voracious Eastern Europeans. Scottish boats - which are allowed a total allocation of just 562 tons of Haddock per year - use a much larger mesh net, and have therefore lamentably failed to address the haddock problem.

The Rockall statement reads: "We are absolutely delighted that the Russian fishing fleet has decided to offer its support in tackling the haddock issue. Recent years have seen a huge increase in haddock around the island and a surge in reported incidents of piscine 'happy slapping', binge drinking and general anti-social behaviour. Requests to the Scottish fisheries department for increased policing have met with a stony silence."

Indeed, Scottish fisheries inspectors recently boarded several of the Russian vessels and expressed their displeasure at the huge quantities of haddock they found therein. This was treated with indifference by the Russians who are fully aware that the Royal Navy is powerless to act since its entire fleet is now comprised of two blokes and a second-hand rowing boat.

The Rockall Tourist board also declared itself "well satisfied" with the Russian presence, bringing as it does a much-needed injection of hard currency into the local community. Rockall's premier hostelry — the Fighting Dog and Pikey — reports that a single trawler crew will spend up to 14,500 roubles (around £43) per night on strong liquor and ploughman's lunches with "just the occasional knife fight", as the landlord explained.

Previously

• Rockall — It's all going to kick off
• Rockall wins Lonely Planet commendation
• Rockall Diary: The loneliness of the long-distance islet