Click here to combat teen pregnancy

It's time for parents and kids to talk sex

by How Tenji

A shocking rise in teen pregnancy has led to Government advice that parents should talk about sex with their children. Although this has struck terror into the hearts of the traditionally prudish British parent, this is as nothing in comparison to the angst felt by the teens and pre-teens who will shortly have to endure mumbling, confused and patently inaccurate ramblings from parents who got their sex education in a bus shelter on Romford High Street. Clear guidance on how to deal with this subject is called for and The Rockall Times is up to the task. Read on:

The "Sex Talk" will always consist of three stages: 1. Broaching the Subject; 2. The Sordid Detail; 3. Any Questions. Following our simple guide will get you from stage 1 to 3 all done, dusted and subject closed before the end of the ad break in the middle of Hollyoaks.

Broaching the subject

The best way to cut through the natural embarrassment is to come straight out with it. Let them um and er for a no more than 10 seconds and then say: "Do you want to talk about sex?" Your parent will be surprised and relieved. Whilst they are on the back foot follow through with: "Ok, what's the problem?" Lean forward, look concerned and then the knock-down blow: "There's no need to be shy, it's perfectly natural."

The sordid details

Only the most bloody-minded parent will survive stage one. If yours come through don't worry. The talk will now move on to mechanics, diseases and contraception. Follow these simple-to-use techniques and you will be at any questions before you can say cunnilingus.

Mechanics: Ask your Dad if he has ever experienced erectile dysfunction; ask your Mum if your Dad ever asked her to take it up the arse.

Diseases: Look shy and concerned, say: "There is something I've been wondering." Your average parent will jump at the chance to help to assuage your worries so make them earn their Family Allowance by asking: "Relatively speaking; which has the higher infectivity per standardised innoculum; Chlamydia or Gonorrhoea? And, given my age and the continuing trend towards delaying parenthood into the 30s, which represents the greater threat to my reproductive health?"

Contraception:

Condoms; ask about flavours, ribs, knobbly ones, extra strong for anal sex, sizes, brands and sell-by dates.

Any Questions?

They may ask if there is anything else you want to know but by now they really don't want to prolong the agony. However, you must nail down the lid or they will get cocky and try to talk about something really embarrassing, like "pop" music. Great questions are: "Dad, which hand do you wank with?" and "Mum, my friend Sharon gives really good head and gets first pick of the guys. Can you give me some tips on giving the ultimate blowjob?"

Follow these simple rules and we guarantee you will never be hassled again. So, the only question left is "Breast or Bottle?" You'll find most teenage boys show a healthy interest in both.

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