Jordan prepped for 'Love Island' airdrop

ITV head honchos have announced the next phase in their "ground-breaking and enthralling" reality show, Celebrity Love Island. In a move that will delight the "discerning viewing public", at an unspecified time within the next week tabloid favourite Jordan will be parachuted — entirely unclothed — on to the tropical idyll. She will then prowl the island "like that Predator chap", and pounce on the oblivious inhabitants — luring and seducing them with what channel bosses have variously described as "her irrefutable charms", "Weapons of Mass Seduction" and "farcical knockers".

Ex-SAS bloke, and TV's favourite social reject Ray Mears has been brought in to provide the estimable stunner with relevant training for her appearance, giving her a rounded skillset relevant to the show's aims. Areas particularly focused on in her intensive instruction are said to have been "bushcraft", "woodlore", "advanced bivouac maintenance" and "clandestine fellatio".

Channel chiefs hope that the introduction of the "lovable, enigmatic, pneumatic" Ms Price will swell Love Island's "astoundingly satisfactory" viewing figures. Meanwhile, programme makers on rival Channel 4's Big Brother are already preparing their response. It is rumoured that the household's food allowance for the week following ITV's stunt will consist solely of 322 "Colchester Oysters", a case of "Anchor Squirty Cream" and 72 kilogrammes of prophylactics. A sponsorship deal with "Extra Thin Ice" breath strips is also said to be in the works.

Previously

• Bonk Brother: New sex house of fun unveiled for TV spectacle
• Thousands of non-televised Big Brothers get green light
• 'I wish I'd kept legs shut' sobs six-in-a-bed TV slapper