Who are the kings of Rockall? We are

On 16 June 2005 at 9.30am the lead climber of the Rockall Ho! 2005 assault team successfully landed on the sacred islet of Rockall, 230 nautical miles west of the Outer Hebrides. Within an hour, the Rockall Times had nine intrepid souls atop the rock, at which point it was declared a Peoples' Republic and control of the granite monolith and all the haddock-rich seas surrounding it formally passed to the North Atlantic's leading satire website.

The assault operation — executed in near perfect conditions of calm seas and sunshine — was the culmination of four years' fundraising and planning during which we made our ill-fated first attempt to conquer the rock.

A blow-by-blow account of the mission will follow in our next full edition on 4 July. In the meantime, here is a summary of how it's done for anyone who fancies wresting control of the world's remotest islet from we, the Kings of the Peoples' Republic of Rockall*:

• Hire boat and skipper willing to travel to Rockall. Said skipper should preferably not be prone to weather-inspired fits of anxiety nor addicted to class-B drugs.
• Upon arrival at Rockall, put three men into an inflatable and wave them off with a hearty cheer.
• Ram Rockall with inflatable, at which point your lead climber should throw himself at the rock and quickly ascend to a safe altitude before the swell plucks him from Rockall's sun-kissed granite slopes.
• Rig static line from top of Rockall by which remaining team members can ascend the 60-ft vertical face.
• Assemble in large group atop the rock and begin to draft republican constitution.

Simple as that. Naturally, readers will be interested to know what are the key points of the aforementioned constitution. Well, the first act of the Rockall Times' Home Affairs secretariat was to declare Rockall an obligatory smoking zone because, as Al Baker nicely put it: "There's not a lot of room up here and non-smokers whining about people smoking will just piss off the smokers." Accordingly, he at this point he ordered EU representative and non-smoker Wolfgang Schaub to "light up an enormous Cuban cigar or get off the rock". A crisis was averted only when the team realised that although they had brought 200 Silk Cut and 250gm of Golden Virginia up the climbing line, no-one had remembered to pocket a cigarette lighter.

While the secretariat continued to ponder such important matters as whether replica guns were legal on Rockall, or whether a compulsory ID card scheme might protect the islet from a tidal wave of dole-scrounging Eastern European pikeys, our two radio hams — James Cameron and Dave Wood — got to the task of "activating" the island. This involved hauling about two tons of radio kit atop the rock, rigging a 30ft aerial and talking to as many hams as possible in order to reach the required minimum 200 contacts. We gather that Rockall was the last island in Europe to be activated, and so hearty congratulations go out to the two lads whose names are now written in big gold pen in the annals of radio hammery.

Finally, and before we cut this inane twittering and give you what you really want — photographic evidence of our North Atlantic triumph — there remain just two further points. First up, there is no praise high enough for the whole Rockall Ho! 2005 team, all of whom gave it all they had to make the expedition the triumph it was. The two hams have already had their heads-up, so let's give big up rispek to Al Baker (inflatable driver par excellence), Dr Moff "Doc Rockall" Betts (homeopathic ingrowing toenail surgeon to the internet satire world), John Cunningham (fearless lead climber), Trevor Lockie (ace cook and no slouch in the inflatable-driving department), and Wolfgang Schaub (German and living proof that you can eat porridge with pickled onions and not drop dead on the spot). Oh yes, and we must not forget First Mate Angus Budge, who did sterling back-up inflatable duty and got himself an hour on Rockall in return. Good show.

And now that they've done their bit, it's time to do yours. The whole point of Rockall Ho! 2005 was to raise as much money as possible for the MEdia project of Mental Health Media. Details of MHM and what they do are available here. You can make an online donation right here (money goes direct to the charity), or help us offset some of the truly terrifying costs of mounting an expedition to Rockall by buying one of our lovely t-shirts. We thank you in the certain anticipation of you generous support.

We're now off to the pub to take onboard huge amounts of yeast logic fuel. Here are some pictures of Rockall Ho! 2005. Look on in awe and wonder as the words of our prize-winning Rockall haiku pay homage to the sacred islet:

wild isolation
mighty she stands, dripping spume
majestic Rockall

Rockall Ho! Our first sight of the worlds' remotest islet. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Here's how it's done: John Cunningham assaults the sacred islet. (Photo: Lester Haines)

Preparing the climbing line. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

A suitably pleased John Cunningham mans the belay. (Photo: Lester Haines)

David Wood makes short work of Rockall's 60ft vertical face. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Moff "Doc Rockall" Betts demonstrates his North Atlantic ascender technique while Al Baker circles in the inflatable. (Photo: Lester Haines)

And with one small step, Doc Rockall hops aboard. (Photo: Lester Haines)

After four years of dreaming, Rockall Times editor Lester Haines finally huffs and puffs his way onto Rockall. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Trevor Lockie (centre) joins Lester (l) and James Cameron. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

The radio boys raise the mast. From l-r: John Cunningham, David Wood, James Cameron (Photo: Lester Haines)

Preparing to transmit: Rockall radio hammery is go. From l-r: Wolfgang Schaub, Lester Haines, David Wood, James Cameron. (Photo: John Cunningham)

The Peoples' Republic of Rockall. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Lester returns from the rock, with Trevor Lockie at the helm. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Farewell Rockall: Last man off Al Baker prepares to abseil into history. (Photo: Wolfgang Schaub)

Copyright notice

The above photographs are strictly copyright and must not be used for any purpose whatsover without prior written permission. We will aggressively pursue any breach of copyright.

Constitutional footnote

*Yes, we know it's not normal to declare a polymonarchical republic, but out at Rockall, our word is law.