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  Monday 4th July 2005  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Revealed: The astounding truth about Cloud Cuckoo Land

Medieval document describes jug-eared loons and bearded wonders
by Bob Wallet

Archaeology experts at the University of Neath are salivating over a 12th century document discovered in a hollowed-out wall. The ancient missive known as The Book of Hours and Daes: a recolleckfun of fimple folke and their airef and gracef, two inches thick and painstakingly illustrated was found by workmen rewiring Glasnant Castle on the Welsh border near Monmouth, former home of Jake Thackray.

"It's an unbelievable, priceless document, and in remarkable condition," said Sir Professor Aled Grimm, Head of the Forensic Archaeology Department. "We haven't had time to read it all yet, but from what we have studied so far this is an account of an age unrecognisable to that of our own." Etymologists and historical name researchers are already speculating about the borough mentioned in the document: Clodhcuroohkland.

"The name," explains Doctor Alison Beeswacks, a specialist in Middle and Early English dialect, "is derived from the Anglo-Saxon 'clodhe' meaning a cloud, and 'curroock', which is Early English for cuckoo. So the phrase cloud-cuckoo land, which we have often thought to be a 19th century literary invention in fact has historical roots in a real place on the Welsh-English border."

Sir Professor Aled Grimm introduced The Rockall Times to some of the more interesting sections of the book. "On page twenty seven, for example, there is an account of a local man named Tolketh of Warn, who was considered by some to be an expert on local crime. Now then, elsewhere in the book there is a statistical breakdown of all the crimes committed in the area in the month of April. Tolketh of Warn appears to overlook the statistics and insists that crime is lower than it actually is, that young criminals are being demonised without good reason, and that the local court system, unique to this part of the world and known as The Asbosputum, was creating and festering a 'snitch society'. "Tolketh of Warn's exact words were: 'we rifke fettinge an appallinge example to fome of ye moft vulnerable memberf of our fofiety. Fave that we may never endure ye fnickety gibbetf of ye rogue eftatef, thefe ftreet urchinf and infant vagabondf fhould be rewareded wiv ringf of tonef and holidaef to nice placef'."

The Professor continued: "In Chapter 14 — 'The Righteouf Fquire Clarke of Charlef' there is an interesting account of a local nobleman who sold judgements on outsiders who frequented the villages. Squire Clarke was known, somewhat affectionately in the village of Monmuthe as the 'jug-earede cunte', or the 'fatte baftard of Avon'. He had something of a reputation for sending outsiders back to Viking held territory where anyone with black hair would be put to death with red hot pokers. This passage here is quite explicit...

"'Ye outfidere folk cried do not put upon uf ye red hot pokerf, which scorch and blifter our anufef. But ye jug-eared cunte, Fquire Clarke hearde non of it and even ignoring hif own adviferf of ye Foreign Hall of the Council, did fend all ye outfideref back to have ye red hot pokerf thruft up their anufef. And all ye while ye ferrety Viking King Robertffon did laff hif goolief off'."

In 1179 a terrible flood devastated large parts of the county and swept livestock and small women out to sea, ninety miles away. The document describes the gloating and derision expressed by a group of locals known as Beardiies. "They seem to be a rather strange lot," says Professor Grimm. "Always arguing amongst themselves and contradicting absolutely everything that was said to them. One individual known as Beardiie Porridge was almost lynched after suggesting that the poorest members of the country should pay a tithe of 300 shites, which was equivalent to about two months wages back then, in order to move around the county by cart. One family who heated their farm by burning cow dung were physically beaten by Beardiies for dumping the ashes in a local stream. The suggested form of fuel was willow, and the Beardiies often tried to plant the willow ashes so that they would have a continuous supply of fuel."

However, not all archaeologists have received news of the document with the same enthusiasm as Professor Grimm. Professor Ichabod Merrick of the Brunel Institute questions the political leanings of the book. "We don't know if it was pro or anti establishment. The whole document could be mischievous." But his concerns are contradicted by Professor Grimm who draws attention to a chapter on the local messengers:

'Alle were roguef and rafcalf who wud not knowe ye truth if it bit themme on ye knobbe. Whye we are only ye meffengerf, they wud crie with abandon, be not ye judge of uf for we only reporte ye newf not make it. Ye moste daftardly culpritf, Little John of Roggeringe, Dacre ye Fpineleff, and numeruff other mifcreantf were often taken out to ye village braziere and pelted with foul fmelling fruit and veg, but nay did it ftop their lief and flanderuf talk. And ye fimple townfolk would continue to lap it up fo long af there were engavingf of ladyfolk with big titf'.

The document is at times charming, at others harrowing. Accounts of women being jailed on the balance of mathematical probability instead of hard facts, entire villages being branded and forced to pay for the privilege, and local gangs of violent thieves getting away with their crimes as armed men of the local squires spent all their time on horseback chasing other law abiding citizens on horseback. "A truly remarkable snapshot of a primitive and savage period of British history that we have thankfully left behind," concludes Professor Grimm.

The Book of Hours and Daes will be on display to the public in Cardiff Museum from 30 July for four weeks. Glasnant Castle is currently closed for further restoration and the filming of an ITV reality tv series, I've Got the Plague in which twelve celebrities are injected with Black Death in the hope that none of them survive.

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