Kewell 'hurt and shocked' by media slur

The hard-tackling midfield dynamo of Liverpool Football Club told in court of his "horror" and "dismay" about allegations made about him by a leading commentator of the game that are likely to have misled people into thinking that he might actually give a damn.

Aussie all-action hero Harold Kewell was before a jury this week to seek redress from words penned about him. Supported by his loyal agent, the ferociously committed Aussie was close to tears as he emoted the hurt he had suffered.

In the article concerned — which appeared in a paper of doubtful repute — Kewell was described as "a fantastic player" with a "fine level of commitment to the team and his fellow players" and a man "who always gives 375 per cent effort".

"I don't want my children reading this sort of stuff," said Kewell, adding that the article gave an utterly misleading impression of someone who has managed just 37 minutes on the pitch over the past three years (including the time taken to be substituted) — although he later confessed that his three-year old son "prefers his X-Box to books" and his one-year old daughter is "technically illiterate".

Asked what he hoped to achieve by the case for his representative, Kewell's agent commented "twenty per cent" but also insisted that his client was completely committed to redress. "Harry's been disgusted to read this sort of rubbish. I'm sure he helped put things right in many people's eyes with his valiant performance in the Champions League final — does anyone really think it would have been the same without Harry".

The agent was later seen lighting a cigar with a bundle of £50 notes and cackling. On the other hand, Kewell told waiting reporters after exiting the court with his honour held high: "I leave all the non-football stuff to my agent and all the football stuff to my team mates."

Previously

• No rift with 'that wanker Kewell' insists Viduka
• Alan Smith not for sale 'at any price' confirms Risdale
• Diary of a Premiership footballer