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  Monday 4th July 2005  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Woodward outlines Lions masterplan

Audacious scheme to reverse losers' fortunes
by Eddie Waring

British and Irish Lions' coach Sir Clive Woodward has outlined his audacious masterplan to reverse his team's fortunes following a series of righteous arse-kickings at the hands of the All Blacks, we can exclusively reveal.

Clive Woodward: GoodbyeFollowing last Saturday's 48-18 drubbing in Wellington — a scoreline which "flattered the New Zealanders" according to a grim-faced Woodward — Lions' management met with the squad's assorted tactical, marketing andf Feng Shui consultants to formulate a future series-winning strategy.

After three hours of Powerpoint brainstorming fuelled by the ocassional bottle of fizzy water and orange segments, the exhausted power-lunchers emerged blinking into the bright NZ sun to announce the formation of a new-look "British, Irish, French, Australian, South African, Italian and Argentinian Lions" powerhouse backed by a reserve force of "Any New Zealander who can control a ball and has at least one British grandparent Lions".

Enthused Woodward: "I hope that the 'New International Lions', as the multinational squad will be called for short, might be in a position to give the All Blacks a run for their money as early as 2036. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a man from a football club waiting outside with a minicab and a large cheque. It's been a real pleasure. Goodbye."

As Woodward rushed from the press conference taking his sports motivationalists with him, Lions assistant coach Ian McGeechan was left to inform the assembled sports hacks that Jonny "Jonny" Wilkinson would miss the final showdown due to injury. "I'm obviously very disappointed," said a visibly-disappointed McGeechan. "We were hoping to lose the last match by less than twenty points, and although I'm absolutely confident that the lads will give it 100 per cent, we're looking at phone numbers here."

Simultaneously, PR spinmeister Alastair Campbell sought to deflect media attention from the drubbing the Lions are expected to cop by deploying an enormous photographic print of Brian O'Driscoll getting squashed by several New Zealanders and shouting: "What's all this about, eh? You call this rugby?"

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