Terry Waite, whales and Ellen MacArthur: Readers vent spleen

Regular readers will know that we don't often publish readers' letters, usually because they are simply filled with fawning admiration or vitreolic abuse. This week, however, we thought we'd give Joe Public a taste of the sort of stuff which pops onto our electronic doormat. First up is Graham Falvey, evident tree-hugger and lover of all things cetacean:

I was surprised not to find any reference to your whaling policies voiced at The International Whaling Commission's annual meeting held recently in Korea. Why does such a great whaling nation such as Rockall not have anything to say on such an important subject? Surely all whales, being as big as Rockall itself, should have your support? Have you no pity?

Disgruntled of Hawick

Well Graham, the answer is simply this: We at The Rockall Times absolutely love whales, especially the Minke variety when served with mashed potato and that green liquor you get in eel-and-pie shops. Indeed, our recent short weekend break on Rockall was fuelled entirely by Minke whale steaks (organic, naturally), kindly supplied by The Nippon Whale Research Facility (Catering Wholesale Division). You can find them in the Tokyo Yellow Pages listed under "Serious scientific research — no, really".

Next up, and quite appropriately given our recent seaborne conquest of Rockall, here is a gripe from a seagoing chap with an apparent liking for sailing shorty Ellen MacArthur:

I am a great fan of the Rockall Times - yeah, really.

But

I recently saw the (? article piece - whatever) knocking Ellen, written by 'Jon Heal', and it really pissed me off. As an amateur trimaran sailor myself, who has never ventured beyond St Kilda (we are talking about the West coast of Scotland - has 'Mr Heal' ever been that far? Does he know anything about sailing?), I have the greatest admiration for Ellen's achievements. Has 'Mr Heal' climbed a seventy-odd foot mast in a gale - et cetera. I don't like his pathetic sneering - he ain't been there, and I suspect that he knows fuc*k all about it. I still love you.

Yours

Laughing of Oldshoremore

For the record, we know not whether 'Mr Heal' — if indeed that is his real name — has any of the credentials outlined. But for the rest of us here at The Rockall Times, a trip to St Kilda is a bit like popping to the shops. A real man needs to prove himself by sailing a further 180 nautical miles west, as demonstrated here during our 2003 Rockall Ho! adventure. The cruel sea? You better believe it.

Finally, someone with a real beef. Terry Waite's mate, come on down:

I'm not addressing you as anything as I can't think of an appropriate form of address.

I came to your site due to a web search on Terry Waite, who I know personally and was about to e-mail, but just checking what he is up to at the moment prior to doing that. To see a heading on the search engine titled 'Obituary' was bad enough but to read you attempt at satire on the same subject, I consider to be in extremly bad taste. I felt totally shocked and sickened by it. Only the fact that I had spoken with him since the alleged date if his death made me realise it was false and a vain, arrogant, inconsiderate and highly inappropriate attempt at humour.

I would ask you to please remove this article so it does not cause distress to anyone else.

Name supplied

Since this was sent through our "death threats" email addy, we reckon the correct form of address is "cun*t", or at least "fuc*kwit", so bear this in mind for future missives. Oh yeah, and no, as it were — we won't take down the offending piece.

And that's enough of that. If you want to vent your spleen or, God forbid, say something nice, there are some details on how to contact us here.