Queen opens closet on Gay 8 jumble sale (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Buckingham Palace announced today that prior to her annual migration to Scotland for her summer hols, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II will be purging Buck House of around 1,237 metric tonnes of unwanted apparel. In a heroic effort to not be upstaged by Saint Sir Bob Geldof of all the Africas — whose Live 8 spectacular last Saturday has been hailed a "triumph" after successfully negotiating a ceasefire in the bloody civil war which has for 10 years torn apart the asset-rich Republic of Pink Floyd — the Queen has decided to hold a retaliatory charity auction for AIDS victims dubbed "Gay 8". An as yet undetermined portion of the proceeds will go to African victims of this deadly disease; the balance will be used to purchase a spectacular Arabian stallion that has caught the royal eye.

As fervent royal watchers and avid readers of Buck House People know, the Queen dons approximately 1066 designer outfits each year for official engagements. As a result of the Topper Act of 1871, enacted by Queen Victoria, the monarch is required, by law, to always wear a hat or crown. According to Sir Julian Ponce, Her Majesty's Mistress of the Headgear, 1066 huge bedecked confections every year soon mount up and Buckingham Palace has virtually run out of storage space as breathless lackeys fight their way over enormous piles of chiffon in an attempt to bring the Monarch her daily morning fix of chocoflakes and Sunny D. Indeed, the Duke of Edinburgh is reported to have "completely lost it" when he discovered 20 lurid, feather-frilled constructions in his Yoko Ono designed kilt chilling room. The footman kicked down the stairs as a result of the outrage is expected to pull through following emergency surgery.

The array of millinery destined to fall under the hammer is truly staggering. A Daniel Boone style hat in a gorgeous shade of taupe sporting a large dead chipmunk on the crown which the Queen wore recently on a visit to Canada is expected to be snapped up quickly. There is quite a bit of excitement as well about the vivid magenta number that resembles a very large unwrapped condom Her Majesty wore at a visit to a shelter for unwed mums in Esher in 2003. The somber black picture hat with what appears to be a Sky TV dish jauntily attached to the brim that Elizabeth II wore to the 9/11 Memorial Service has reportedly been snapped up by First Lady Barbara Bush.

Cherie Blair, Britain's own First Lady, opted for the aquamarine spongebag cloche the Queen sported at Charles' ill-fated first wedding. Palace gossips have hinted to this reporter that Edward, Earl of Wessex, has requested first dibs on a few of his particular favourites prior to the auction. The Earl's Personal Secretary, Captain Clive Dogsbody, confessed the former Marine trainee was "just dying" to get his hands on a "little buttercup yellow number with lots of feathers" worn by the Queen at Ascot in 1989. "Ed's got an outfit that will offset it a treat," he gushed.

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall commented: "When I 'officially' moved into Clarence House after the wedding, I found several rooms crammed full of hats. I thought they were Charles'. He does enjoy a bit of dress up now and again, so I didn't say anything. I was quite relieved to discover the hats were the Queen Mum's from her 842 official engagements each year, plus my mother-in-law's that she shifted over here from Buck House. I am keeping the longish furry white toque with a ribbon that resembles a tampon. Charles simply adores seeing me in that one."

A 4000-page full-colour catalogue of the chapeaus on offer, modeled by Her Imperial Majestyness and other members of the royal family during charades at Balmoral is available for Ł179.00 on line at: www.liz2hats.co.uk.

The venue for this once-in-a-lifetime event has not been finalized, but Palace sources report it will be either Christies in London, or the I'm a Queen Too lounge in Key West, Florida.

Queen opens closet on Gay 8 jumble sale

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