You too could have sex with Abi Titmuss (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Abi Titmuss: Loves sex, apparently Abi Titmuss is set to rock the world of human sexual relations to the very rock-hard foundation of spam javelin on which it rests, we can breathlessly reveal.

The highly-talented former nurse, who once orally entertained the hideously-empurpled member of Satan-worshipping John Leslie for the benefit of internet voyeurs worldwide, is set to release a steamy examination of her own sexual psyche in the form of erotic masterpiece Ten Fantasies.

The book is a frank and love-juice soaked account of the ten things Abi would like to do in the sack, but has not yet got around to. Her publisher reports that it took the bow-legged hussy no less than TWELVE MONTHS to complile the list — so extensive is her sexual experience — and that by the time she got to number ten, she had indulged in six of her fantasies while recounting every salacious detail for the gobsmacked readers of Men's Maximum Health magazine.

Mercifully, though, Abi has now managed to plug the gap and here, for the first time, are a few of her most knee-trembling musings. Male readers are advised to have a box of Kleenex at the ready:

Whoops-a-daisy

I imagine that I am working as a nurse when suddenly and without warning all my clothes fall off. Incredibly, a reporter for a national tabloid just happens to be in the ward recovering from an ingrowing credibility operation. His arousal is evident beneath the flimsy National Health sheets, and he quickly beckons me over for a demonstration of what he can do for a girl with a fun-size chequebook and throbbing pen.

The paparazzi beef-curtain shuffle

I mysteriously find myself at a film premiere in Central London but, oh my, I have forgotten to put on my knickers. As I exit the cab, a thousand flashblubs capture ny throbbing pudenda as I absentmindedly flash my privates for the benefit of the howling paparazzi. Later masturbate myself to a shattering climax while tickling my erect nipples with an enormous tabloid cheque.

The girl-boy-girl sandwich

Which girl doesn't like to be the centre of attention? I certainly do, and how better to wind down after a hard day on the wards by sucking a TV presenter's dick while a deliciously chocolate-brown accomplice partakes of my furry cup? Better still, get the whole thing on video and then release it onto the internet. Just thinking about grown men indulging in the five-knuckle shuffle while watching my ample chest receive a Scottish pearl necklace sends me all gooey between the legs.

Headline-grabbing assets

I rather strangely find myself back in hospital, but this time it is me who is doing the lying down. I succumb to an acute drowsiness, and when I awake I discover my breasts have grown three cup sizes. If only Victoria Silvstedt were here — we could peel off each others' clothes and rub our magnificent assets in baby oil and then press them together breathlessly while pouting for the benefit of the attending photographer. Just thinking about Victoria's mountainous mams and the cheque from Men's Maximum Health is enough to provoke an instant, tsunamic climax.

Desert island dug flash

It must be every girl's fantasy to be paid to take her clothes off on a desert island, and I'm no exception. Who cares about ratings when you can flash your dugs around the Pacific while opening your legs to receive an enormous fee? What I really want to do, though, is get down and dirty with the rest of my celebrity companions. All of them at once, if that's what it takes to get me noticed. Did I tell you I love sex?

It could be you

I love sex, and will take any opportunity to fill my box with delicious cream. You never know, I might run into you on the bus one day and it would only be a matter of minutes before you were taking me roughly from behind, bringing me to a volcanic climax while I scream "Fill my quim with your man juice you stallion! Give me a baby!" Yes, that's right — it could be you, so keep reading my sextastic column in Men's Maximum Health. You never know...

Abi Titmuss' Ten Fantasies is available at all bookshops, irrespective of merit, right now. Alternatively, spend the cash on an 8meg broadband connection and download her John Leslie interracial beast with three backs video for free. She certainly gives Paris Hilton a run for her money.