Clarke hails London intelligence coup

Home Secretary Charles Clarke has explained how the fact that the British intelligence neglected to halt the series of bombings in London should not in any way be seen as a fiasco.

"No sireee", burbled the slimline politico to a bunch of the seriously credulous. "The cunning plans we have in place means that many millions of Londoners who could have been killed by al-Qaeda weren't." To further make his point, he waved a thick file marked "Top Secret" on the front and "Ryman — 2 for the price of 1" on the back.

The dynamic leader of Britain's spooks, spies, plods, and wheel clampers had been answering probing questions at a press conference called to explain just what had caused the mysterious power surge on London Underground and on the top deck of a Number 30 bus.

"Look on the bright side," said Clarke in an in-depth interview later, conducted while eating a couple of pizzas and barking orders to a steady stream of minions to shift forces around the UK to achieve more successes, "it could have been far, far worse, couldn't it? I wouldn't call the failure to anticipate these attacks a failure. I'd prefer to call it something else. A victory perhaps. Look at all the trains that weren't bombed."

While admitting, when pressed by a sour-faced man from a tabloid, that "in one sense" the bombings could, maybe, just perhaps, be seen as something "not quite gone right", Clarke rejected the call for someone to resign. "Not at all but I'll be setting up various fora to look into the matter. Or is that forae? Maybe we should set up some forums to look into the threat of undefined latin plurals."

Clarke concluded by speaking movingly of the work now being done by the Metropolitan Police to have yet more success. "I am pleased to announce that Paddick of the Yard is the man in charge. He'll catch the buggers."

And even if Paddick of the Yard does not cuff the ragheaded ne'er-do-wells responsible for the outrage, Clarke has announced that further attacks will be thrwarted by the fast-track introduction of voluntary/compulsory ID cards.

The biometric ID cards — due to be introduced across Britain within the next two weeks under emergency provisions outlined in the "Blunkett Headless Chicken Knee Jerk Emergency Act (12 September 2001) — will reportedly tackle the al-Qaeda menace head-on "because they'll be six foot long and made of titanium and Kevlar", as one impressed security pundit put it.

He added: "If, however, you are caught in the open during a terrorist attack and you've left your ID card at home, try to hide behind something enormous and dense — like Charles Clarke. Then dust yourself down and proceed to the nearest police station where you'll be issued with a £100 fine for failing to carry your ID card.

Previously

• ID card vote is victory for democracy and the British way of life
• That new UK terror law: What every parent should know
• Hopes fade in hunt for missing blind bloke