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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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London dances Olympic Okey Cokey

After ridiculing British and Finnish cuisine, Jacques Chirac was left with a bad taste in the mouth as the 30th Olympic Games went to his old mate Tony Blair's manor: London. After enormous pomp and circumstance in Singapore, which left two hundred and fifty terrified lobsters in a very distressed state, the decision was finally announced. Paris lost, London won, and Wigan and Mogadishu didn't even get onto the finalists' board.

Across the "Capital of the World", Bow Bells rang out, cheery cockney sparrows and East End barrow boys did the Okey Cokey and sang Knees Up Mother Brown. Pearly kings and queens mixed it with jubilant Albanian human traffickers, traffic light rose sellers jigged with systems analysts from Notting Hill to Bexleyheath. Tooting High Street was brought to a halt by cheering cabbies who momentarily suffered a total loss of the Knowledge in the ensuing hysteria. "I can't even remember me own burfday," said Arry Tinker from Peckham.

At the GLC headquarters, British flags were hung from windows, ignoring advice from Health and Safety officials that they might fall to the ground and mess up peoples' hair. Ken Livingstone was carried aloft up and down the main corridors of the building and an effigy of Lord Coe of Croydon was hoisted to the roof, filmed by webcam and broadcast to a giant screen in Richmond Park, said to be the second largest giant screen in Europe after one in Wuppertaler used for a concert by Einsturzende Neubauten.

French baiting was the order of the day in Trafalgar Square. "See im up there," said Bert Flick, a taxi driver from Camden Town, "Lord Nelson; he ad the right idea, he ad. Give em a bit of the old rub a dub dub. Send them Frenchies back to Italy where dey comes from. We wud never ave won at Agincourt if it adn't been for im." When Ken Livingstone's face appeared on the big screen the crowd momentarily thought he was a French impressionist and started booing, but his happy nasally whine soon created a sense of recognition as he was heard promising the London Olympics will be the greatest, slickest, tidiest bit of 'ows yer father since man landed on the moon in 1954. The 70,000 strong crowd then embarked on an impromptu version of the Lambeth Walk and by 7pm every jellied eel stall in the city was sold out, every pie and mash shop closing early after running out of pie and mash.

"A very impressive presentation," said Jacques Rogges, President of the International Olympic Committee. "I think the delegates were particularly impressed, not just by the promise of facilities, the wonderful Powerpoint presentation, or the sporting heroes who supported the bid — and our thanks go to Sir Steve Redgrave, David Beckham, Bob Willis and of course Mr Redknapp — but also the new games to be included. Inclusivity has been a buzzword this time, and London has offered something for everyone." New events are to include the freestyle parking space hunt, 4x4 congestion charge avoidance, and synchronised organised crime. (The Albanian Mafia is believed to be the strong favourite for a gold medal.)

After the announcement, The Rockall Times grabbed a few words from Harry Redknapp, Britain's Olympic Ambassador to South East Asia. "Wonderful news, wonderful news. If I can get through to Big Ron in his cell in Monrovia e'll be over the bleedin moon. Best fing that ever appened to London since Puddin Lane went up in flames. We've seen so many great fings in London: a new sewage system, futuristic public toilets in Befnall Green, Jack the Ripper bringin in the punters on the Ripper Tours, and Her Majesty's gaff bein opened to the public except on a Fursday. Marvellous. Unbelievable. Samuel Pepys wud be spinnin in his grave if he cud ere all this."

In Paris, gloom turned to hope as Parisians began to realise that local taxes to pay for the Games will not now increase by 1200 per cent. "The pressure ees off," Giscard Poutin of the Paris Chamber of Commerce (Le Chamber de Commerce de Paris) told The Rockall Times, "even though we ad ze facilities already, we don't now av ze assle of dealing wiz the billions of visitors, and thousands of terrorists.* We can watch ze Games on our tellies and maybe neep over on Eurostar to watch ze synchronised organised crime finals. Maybe it's good news after all."

Back in Stratford, Alfie Smith, who runs Smith's Pie and Mash cafe, was wondering what will happen to him and his caf which has been on the same site for over a hundred years. "We're right on Ground Zero ere, my caf is situated right where the afletes will be chuckin the javelin. So far I've not ad a mention of any compensation or noffin. We survived the Luftwaffe, and gawd knows how many rumpuses between Millwall and West Am fans. And now we've got to make room for a load o' foreigners wiv names endin in ov." Maurice Sparkles, who runs the Sparkles Pie and Mash Emporium next door felt the same way.

Elsewhere in Britain, including Scotland, the euphoria was almost tangible. Except in Wigan where a distraught Dave Mr Big Whelan had to be persuaded by a small crowd not to throw himself into the Leeds Liverpool Canal. Whelan had been the main backer of the town's surprise last minute bid which, in the words of Lord Coe: "Almost put the bleedin mockers on everyfin." Whelan told the local newspaper, the Daily Shister, "I've spoken to my financial advisers and the bank manager at the Trustee Savings Bank, and we've agreed that the cost of the Games, which would have been a very welcome tax write-off will now go on fighting our legal dispute with Her Majesty's Constabulary over unpaid policing bills at the JJB Stadium." Plans for a brand new sixty million pound dog track with hotel complex and leisure facilities will have to be shelved until at least 2016.

But the last word has to go to Roger Plumley, a 58-year-old taxi driver from Shepherds Bush. "I've been driving sixty years man and boy, mate. Ardest job in der world. The Olympics are gonna be a gold mine. A bleedin gold mine. I've already ordered a new cab which runs on idrogen, and I've put a darn payment on a new gaff in Marbeller. I'll be retirin off this and no mistake. Best fing that cud av appened to this fine city." And was he ready for the hordes of foreign tourists who would be coming to the Games. "Oh yes. Oh yes. I can speak a bit of the old lingo. Seeview play, olay, and all that. I go on me ols every year to Spain and luv it. The sun, the cultural meltin pot. Eatin me pie and mash on the terrace when it's fifty in the shade. Luv it. And old whatsisname who led the bid, Steve Ovett was it, you beauty!" He then accused me of trying to pay my fare with a 500 Yen note, but changed his mind after putting his glasses on...

Editorial note

*Readers will understand that this piece was filed before the events of 7 July (or 7-J(uly) as it is now known). We gather that Giscard Poutin of the Paris Chamber of Commerce — or Le Chamber de Commerce de Paris as it is known locally — is currently having his testicles beaten by members of the SAS in attempt to discover how exactly he was able to make this chillingly accurate prediction.

Previously

• Pie eaters wreck London Olympic bid
• Britain reels after rollercoaster week of Olympic action
• Those UK Olympic prospects in full