I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Scientists moot poverty-busting hybrid

Irish scientists are planning an audacious genetic experiment which holds the prospect of ending world hunger at a stroke and generally making our planet a nicer, more agreeable place to live.

The team — led by Cáithlaíntché Roishmámmaísh (known to his close friends as "Dave") — plan to take DNA from roving rock pundit Bono and fuse it with that of celebrated Oirishman Saint Sir Bob Geldof, thereby creating a terrifyingly vociferous hybrid capable of earbashing into submission the most hardened world leader from behind a pair of expensive tinted sunglasses.

Roishmámmaísh told The Rockall Times: "Nothing like this has ever been attempted. The tricky part is extracting those desirable bits of the genetic material while discarding the rest. If we succeed, we'll create a musically-advanced, jetsetting standard bearer for the world's most disadvantaged people, capable of delivering hard-hitting, well-reasoned arguments to cowering politicians. If we fail, you're looking at a hideous creature in the back of a stretch limo shouting 'just give us the fookin' money you fookers' in between banging out tuneless renditions of U2 classics on an acoustic guitar. The responsibility is tremendous."

We asked Roishmámmaísh why the team had not considered incorporating some of the more auspicious genes from campaigning ecomuso Sting. He replied: "A good point. However, we have calculated that this genetically-dominant input would in 99 per cent of cases produce a being interested only in indulging in Tantric sex for months at a time, breaking just ocassionally to take a sip of wheatgrass juice and give forth about the rainforest. That's not a lot of use to the Developing World, is it?"

All being well, the "Bondof" will soon be gracing a test tube in a Dublin laboratory. Watch this space.

Previously

• Explore the Wonderful World of Bono!
• Warlords slam Saint Bob Lord Sir Geldof
• Policy announcement: Bono and Sting

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Science’ index page