Monday 11th July 2005
World salutes resolute Londoners
Business as usual in bomb-ravaged capital
by the man not on the Number 30 omnibus
World business leaders have unanimously prasied the spirit which last week saw London recover it mercantile momentum despite the best efforts of fun-loving al-Qaeda to bring the capital to its knees.
The immediate aftermath of the 7 July attacks saw the pound plummet in world markets and £1,000bn wiped off the value of British share prices. Out on the frontline, however, it was business as usual as hotel operators struggled to keep alive the best traditions of Western capitalism amid the financial anarchy.
One dust-covered commuter, who paid £260 for a eighty-quid room in a Thistle hotel after failing to find a way home, tearfully enthused: "The hoteliers played a blinder. It's that kind of quick thinking that shows these people that they will never, ever, win."
A temp secretary, who paid £80 to sleep in the broom cupboard of another Central London hotel, agreed: "I had to share the cupboard with four Filipino maids. We spent the entire night singing Roll out the barrel and then got charged £45 for a continental breakfast. I can't really put into words how proud I am of the defiant attitude of the management when anyone else would simply have given in to the terrorists."
Sadly, however, there are reports that not all London's hotels reacted with quite the same resolve. Some allegedly refused to raise their prices, while others offered free accomodation, food and showers to victims and members of the emergency services. A spokesman for the London Association of Hoteliers told The Rockall Times: "It saddens me that some of our members chose to react to the tragedy in a way which undermines the best traditions of the Blitz spirit. They should remember that it's exactly the kind of determination to milk cash from misfortune which made London worth attacking in the first place. I hope the newspapers name and shame all of those responsible."
In cyberspace, meanwhile, internet punters are flocking in their hundreds to bid for a piece of the suicide bomber who devastated a Number 30 bus in Tavistock Square. The fragment — described as "Genuine section of kamikaze raghead spinal column" — was apparently found by a local hotel owner on the steps of his establishment. The vendor says the proceeds of the sale will go towards in some way recompensing him for the emotional stress of having to sweep his own lobby after the Polish cleaner failed to turn up for work on 8 July. The cleaner is still missing and the eBay auction page carries a poignant picture of the poor girl with the caption: "If you see this woman, tell her she's sacked."