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  Monday 18th July 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Defiant Brits battle on

'We are not afraid'
by PJ O'Rourkes-Drift

Proof, were it needed, that Britain will never be cowed nor will its citizens ever be relieved of their God-given right to drive as fast as they like, plant leylandii hedgerows, browse hard-core internet porn and feed their offspring microwaveable novelty pizzas and Sunny D came last week with the news that no less than 100 suspicious Asian-looking people had been subjected to verbal abuse, general slapping about and and in one case at least a righteous manslaughtering.

Community leaders confirmed with satisfaction that attacks on would-be suicide bombers had created an atmosphere of "palpable fear" among Muslim and Asian communities. "I wonder if they think it's a good idea to go to a Pakistani madrassa and get Koraned up and them come back here and blow themselves up now, eh?" said one heavily-armed Neighbourhood Watch volunteer prowling the insurgent held area of Beeston, Leeds.

In nearby Holbeck, a known hotbed of fundamentalist terror activity, one group of white lads last week spent a morning reclaiming the streets for the forces of democracy. Dressed in hoodies bearing the crudely-scrawled slogan "We are not afraid", they confessed to having happy-slapped around a dozen Asian kids "For what you done in London, you fuc*kin' Paki", as video evidence on one boy's clamshell mobile phone proved.

"Like, we give 'em a slap and then stick on a Crazy Frog soundtrack and sent it to all our mates, innit?" beamed one twelve-year-old freedom fighter. "We're gonna burn Patel's fish and chip shop next. You wanna watch?"

In London, meanwhile, an interdenominational love-in at the East London mosque last week raised hopes that Islamic elders, scholars and above all imams would finally address the rising incidence of fundamentalism among young Asian Muslims — before they either blow themselves up or get happy slapped into hospital.

Muslim elders admitted that Mosques were not doing enough to warn impressionable teenagers that kamikaze Tube stunts were generally bad for business, and agreed that something along the lines of "The Koran says it is bad to blow yourself and other people up so don't do it or you will not be tended by virgins in paradise" read out before Friday prayers would probably do the trick.

One imam warned, however: "This is a grey area not fully resolved by scholars. Get back to us in a couple of years when we should have the whole thing straight."

Indeed, the problem lies in the Koran's failure to explicitly rule out suicide bombing as a legitimate weapon of jihad. One scholar told The Rockall Times: "Apart from the bit about not killing people, the Holy Scriptures are notoriously vague on the matter of killing people. You Christians have the same problem with the Bible, I understand."

Back in Leeds, this newfound enthusiasm among Britain's Islamic heirarchy to nip the slaughter in the bud cuts little ice with the Holbeck Hoodies. "Gonna burn 'em all, burn all the mosques then record it on me Nokia and MMS it to Osama bin Laden, the fuc*ker," confirmed one Churchillian whippersnapper.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man