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  Monday 18th July 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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London terror attacks: The chilling Caribbean conspiracy

Cunning plot to blow photogenic blonde from US press
by Regina Marracco

Oranjestad, Aruba Wire Service — In a closed hearing today in Vincent Van Gogh Municipal Building, details were leaked of a surprising plea bargain arrangement struck between Surinamese brothers Satish and Deepak Kalpoe and Aruban authorities. The two are suspected of involvement in the disappearance of Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway who went awol while on a high school graduation beano to the Dutch Caribbean island.

Now, chilling evidence has emerged that the brothers were directly involved in the London terror attacks which temporarily inconvenienced the UK capital.

Natalee Holloway: Blonde Holloway — a photogenic blonde with a winning smile — has dominated the US media for the last month, featuring in no less than 23,593 lead stories occupying a staggering 1,245,098 column inches; equivalent to 582 (undamaged) London double-decker buses laid bumper-to-bumper.

As a result of the coverage, Americans have been flocking not to travel to Aruba in any way, shape or form. Tourism Minister, Janni Offringswoot, sobbed: "Other youth groups, and even a convention of Golden Agers have canceled their trips to Aruba, although why the old ladies think they're at risk of being sold into prostitution in Argentina is beyond me."

Full details of Satish and Deepak Kalpoe' role in the London outrage have not been disclosed, but it was suggested that an email message to the brothers' Uncle Anwar in Swindon set in motion a devious plot to save Aruba's dwindling tourism industry.

An observer present at the proceedings, who asked not to be named but certainly has a lot of "voots" or "shoots" or "woots" in his name, confided: "It's clear now that the so-called 'attacks' had absolutely nothing to do with Britain winning the Olympic bid, or the UK's persistent presence in Iraq, although the Aruban government secretly hoped the French would get blamed. Or Islamic fundamentalists. Or preferably both."

An attorney for the Kalpoe brothers said they deeply regretted the loss of life, and that, due to the six hour time difference, Uncle Anwar mistakenly scheduled the attacks during morning rush hour instead of the evening, when everyone in Britain is safely at home watching Coronation Street.

Media pundits have said that the plot worked brilliantly, however. "Americans are obsessed, as we all know, with terrorism, and can't watch, read or listen to enough about it; especially if it happens somewhere else," commented one TV insider. "Reporters and film crews immediately fought to book every seat available on any means of transport leaving Aruba — including taking temporary posts as 'gentlemen escorts' on Europe-bound cruise ships — in order to ditch the Holloway story and get to London. "

Ms Holloway, meanwhile, is still missing, prompting some to speculate that she is currently studying Islamic texts and explosives at a Lahore madrassa — a theory dismissed by US officials as "only slightly implausible".

Previously

 Go on then, hard man