More suicide bombers may go bang, UK warned

Home secretary and security supremo Charles "Put my photo on my ID Card sideways so my ears fit" Clark last week cranked up the national hysteria another notch by announcing that it was likely that there was still a danger that suicide bombers similar to those who devastated three London tube trains and a big red London bus (Islamic, rucksack-owning fanatics who can find their way to Luton) could strike again. "We have only the slightest idea of what these people are capable of," he announced to a packed press conference attended by reporters baying for more blood and horrors.

Responding to questions on his whistle-stop "Not going to get a chance like this again to get ID Cards through parliament" tour, Clarke pointed out that all of the suspects identified so far are British and would have had an ID card if his predecessor, David Blindgit had got his way and that, as David had so succinctly put it, the requirement for a database of advanced biometric data and a complete life history was necessary as "them there ragheads all look t'bloody same to me so just putting a photo on t'front would have been bloody useless for telling em apart".

Following remarks in the press that the attacks had come as a complete surprise and that the terrorists had slipped in to London under the security services radar, Mr Clark was quick to point out that radar is "only really effective for finding terrorists if they hijack aeroplanes and absolutely useless at finding them underground on tube trains unless of course you are Tony Robinson, have a bloke with a funny hat and West Country accent and are looking for old Roman buildings".

Clarke dismissed a suggestion by the Daily Mail terror correspondent that ground-imaging radar equipment might indeed be able to identify high-status suicide bombers under the streets of King's Cross with a perfunctory "only if they stand still for a couple of years and their pockets are packed with Neolithic flint axe heads".

In response to rumours that the suicide bombers could have slipped through the net following the bombings, Clarke further pointed out that evidence suggests that military grade explosives were used in the attacks and the bits they blew themselves into would have been pretty small and that the holes in the net were quite big so such a possibility had to be accepted.

The imminent threat of a hot summer of Tel-Aviv-style bus fun was quickly dismissed by the usual television security pundits wheeled out when anything like this happens, who insisted that it was most likely, following their successful suicide bombings, that the terrorists in question where quite possibly dead and that any remaining members would be very quickly mopped up just as soon as forensic experts had finished collecting evidence at the scenes.

Tackling the chilling prospect that members of the terrorist network had dispersed across the country following the outrage, TV celebrity duo Kim and Aggie pointed out that the blasts happened either underground or in a built-up area and that dispersal would have been limited to surrounding masonry work and tunnel walls and any greasy stains and impromptu pebble-dashing would probably come off following a good scrubbing with warm soapy water and a stiff brush.

Back on the front line, meanwhile, Metropolitan Police top gun, DCI Paddick, announced to a packed press conference at New Scotland Yard last Tuesday that in the early hours of that morning they had received credible information that the leads they where looking for was actually spelt Leeds and was in fact a reasonably large industrial city in West Yorkshire somewhere up north and that the terrorists had most likely travelled to Luton before catching a train directly from Leeds to King's Cross station, the railway station at the centre of the terrorist bomb plot.

Following a rapid succession of events that morning, anti terrorist police raided several addresses across the northern city and quickly blew them up before entering to look for evidence. In addition DCI Paddick announced that several cars had been found in a car park in Luton. Asked how the vehicles were identified as belonging to the terrorists, DCI Paddick explained that the vehicles identified where the ones that exploded when subjected to a controlled detonation by bomb disposal experts on the scene.

Later that day in a second press conference, DCI Paddick appeared again before assembled reporters to announce that investigators in West Yorkshire had identified several suspects who he described as typical Muslims in that they "studied Islam, had Muslim associates, regularly read the Koran, had parents of Pakistani decent and their uncle owned a fish and chip shop".

Egyptian police later in the week arrested a fifth suspect — Magdi Mahmoud al-Nashar — said to fit most of the above criteria, although he is allegedly denying that any member of his family has ever run a fish and chip or indeed has had any involvement in the fast-food industry on any level. Egypt's interior minister, Habib al-Adli, confirmed that al-Nashar had no proven contact with wet fish dealers or batter salesman, although UK security services are allegedly reporting the presence of "haddock and vingar" in his Leeds flat.

Bono was unavailable for comment last night, although it has since been confirmed by his press spokesman that he is safe and well and not involved in the tragedy in any way. Bugger.

Previously

• World salutes resolute Londoners
• Clarke hails London intelligence coup
• 'We will never negotiate with terrorists' — Blair