Hundreds smitten by 'Lardass Syndrome'

A Home Office pathologist sensationally revealed today that fat people are the cause of a mystery plague which has swept London during the last two months. Since the cause of the disease, now known as "Lardass Syndrome", was identified it has been recommended that fat people be permanently removed from British society.

Since the beginning of the Summer, London Transport has been dealing with a host of unexplained deaths on its buses. At the end of an average shift, each bus driver could expect to find several dead or unconscious passengers cluttering up their vehicle. Everyone was dumbstruck for an explanation until Dr Butch Lardass, a Home Office criminal forensic fattologist, discovered that most of the cases occurred in one specific area of London. The so-called "Fat Triangle" represents the bus route between the studio where Trisha is filmed, the outsized women's fashion stall on Brixton market and the "Eat As Many Pies As You Can For A Fiver" shop in Peckham. Fat people were the obvious cause, and Butch went on to identify two types of the disease.

Type 1 is caused by stale rancid sweat which makes any normal passenger within range quickly lose consciousness. Type 1 is only thought to be fatal in severe cases when the fat person responsible has been eating curry or pickled eggs.

Type 2 is almost always fatal, and is due to the normal person being crushed to death against the frame of the vehicle by the huge girth and weight of the fat person. In one bizzare event, a group of four midgets from a travelling circus group were all killed on a bus in Tottenham when sat on by Michelle McManus. Unfortunately, Michelle has been unable to comment on this tragedy since her mouth is continually full of pies.

Dr Lardass believes that it has reached an us or them situation, and that the only way for normal people to safeguard their health is to purge society of the murderous evil fatties. He suggests the immediate closure of all branches of Thorntons throughout the UK, it is then believed that the evil plague of fat people will all waddle off to live in the United States where the medical infrastucture is much better geared to deal with obesity.

Previously

• Scientists hail miracle diet
• Obesity now no.1 UK killer
• RIP: Some fat bloke