Big Ron crashes onto Harry Potter bandwagon

It may not be the biggest selling title of all time, but Arry Rednapp and the Half-Baked Prince could be Ron Atkinson's passport out of his Monrovia jail cell. Atkinson, 69, who has had a string of careers including football manager, jewellery salesman and ITV telefootball expert is hoping his foray into literature will be enough to bring him home to Britain.

Atkinson gave up his telefootball punditry after a verbal walloping of French footballer Marcel Desailly was caught by running microphones. Big Ron resigned, but was later invited into custody by the authorities in Liberia during a fact-finding holiday to the coastal resort of Unjena. The Liberian authorities have insisted Atkinson is free to leave, but no-one can find the key to his cell door.

Back in England, Big Ron's close friend Arry "The Man" Rednapp told The Rockall Times: "Big Won's book is sort of biogwaphical and I'm onoured e's finkin abart me all those miles away. But all power to im; it couldn't ave been easy witin a book in a Monwovian jail." In Arry Rednapp and the Half-Baked Prince the central character arrives at the England Footballing Academy at a time it is under attack from Football Eaters. The leader is a voracious woman Alamfaria, who is single-handedly devouring the most important figures in the game. Only Arry can stop her, whilst discovering a few secrets about himself and his mysterious powers (One of which is the ability to turn around the fortunes of numerous successful football teams).

The book went on sale at midnight, last Friday, but news was obscured by the simultaneous release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Comparative sales of the two books show JK Rowling's book outselling Big Ron's by approximately 750,000 to 1. One man who did buy the Half-Baked Prince was Eric Palfry of Southend on Sea. Palfry, 45 with three children by three different women, admits to being a lifelong Harry Potter fan. "I thought Big Ron's book might offer a new twist on the Rowling formula. I've been queuing up since three o'clock Wednesday. Over the bleedin moon to be the first to get me ands on it. Pity Big Ron can't autograph it, but there ya go."

Later in the year Frank Bruno's first attempt at a novel will see the release of Arry Carpenter and the Full-Bloodied Knockout; a children's story about a gentle giant who almost pummels into submission a fearsome warrior before being decked in the fifth round. And former NME writer and Jackanory editor, Paul Morley, will do a fictionalised retrospective of British comedians titled Arry Worth and the Half-Mirror Deception.

Bloomsbury, publishers of the Harry Potter franchise, are looking at the new titles with interest. A spokeswoman for the company told The Rockall Times: "If we detect plagiarism of any kind we will instigate legal proceedings immediately." Observers note that Bloomsbury will not shy away from controversial litigation following their actions in Canada after twelve children, who were mistakenly sold the book before its official launch, were each jailed for ten years for looking at the covers before they were legally entitled to.

Sir Doctor Germaine Greer was unavailable for comment, but she did issue a statement which read: "***** dies on page 512." (Asterisks added by The Rockall Times for reasons not unrelated to possibly appearing in court.)

Previously

• Rowling to reveal Harry's wand
• Exclusive! That Harry Potter film set in exclusive detail
• Harry Potter to be made into book