Enraged clients turn on Claims-A-Go-Go

No-win-no-fee travel firm Claims-A-Go-Go is tonight in liquidation following a catastrophic trip to New York. The company, set up by ambulance-chasing solicitor Mickey Razer, offered cheap holidays to the USA — "Litigation capital of the world" according to company literature. However, Razer was stunned by a class action civil lawsuit against himself after all two hundred revellers failed to win a cent after an orgy of litigation against New York restaurants, bars, museums, shops and even the Mayor's Office.

One disappointed traveller, Bert Wierden, a 51-year-old taxi driver from Middlesbrough, told The Rockall Times: "We was promised the erf. Go ere, go there, trip up as often as you can, get yer tongue burned on a cup o' tea, put yerself abart a bit and if yer gets into any trouble, bingo! Which is what we did. After free nights in the Big Apple my missus were black an blue. And not a penny for it."

Similar stories have been told by other travellers on the same trip. One man, Steve Pinks from Gateshead, was left hanging off the observation deck of the Empire State Building for fifteen minutes after a barrier failed. However, the police and fire service who rescued him discovered a 50 watt cordless diamond edged steel cutter in his pocket and consequently arrested him for wilful damage. He is still believed to be in Sing Sing Penitentiary awaiting a fifth appeal for bail.

Notice was served on Claims-A-Go-Go as soon as the flight arrived back at Sunderland International Airport near Hartlepool. Enraged passengers descended on the company offices and staff and management were barricaded in for three hours as a collection of disgruntled holidaymakers in stetson hats and hug a barrister t-shirts banged on windows and doors.

The company's Executive Director, Annie Suzerania, believed to be the girlfriend of Mickey Razer and a former hardcore porn dominatrix and actress, issued the following statement to The Rockall Times: "We are sorry to announce that as of Tuesday 11 July Claims-A-Go-Go is in receivership following the collapse of the company. Two hundred and four holidaymakers who enjoyed a recent ten night break in New York have decided that their litigation trip did not work out as planned. We must say, in our defence, that the small print of the contract does not guarantee that successful litigation will result, only that numerous potentially litigious situations will be encountered during the trip. We can verify this by the fact that 88 per cent of those who made the trip came back with injuries of varying degrees, from scolded thighs to a finger bitten off by a marmoset at Greenwich Village City Farm. We apologise to our clients for not receiving a fair hearing whilst in the US, but we have no responsibility or liability contained herein, contrary to Section 3 Paragraph 12, sub-section 8c(ii) relating to matters arising whilst out of the country. Thank you."

Undeterred by the statement stetson wearing Todd Disley and his wife Mordred promised to fight on. "I got me eyebrows singed in a candle shop, and Mordred here lost an eyeball looking too closely at a Giacometti sculpture in the Getty Museum. We want our money."

Rick Liddiment of rival litigation firm Tusch, Beaver and Minge Associates was unsympathetic to Claims-A-Go-Go. "Their small print were fuc*kin massive. David Blunkett could have fuc*kin read it. Ours is printed in 0.4pt Garibaldi. You need an 8x magnifier to read it. Their small print were 3pt Helvetica Medium, I mean for fuc*k's sake. What did they expect." Asked if Tusch, Beaver and Minge would be representing any of the unhappy travellers Liddiment replied. "Not a fuc*kin chance. Anyone who goes on their hols to win a bit of cash is an 'eadbanger. We don't want those types round here."

Liddiment's co-Director Dee-Dee Horn is currently starring in the X-rated Abba biographical Bang-a-Boomerang. Annie Suzerania was last seen in Desktop Charades: How to shaft your opponents, a business management DVD out now on VHS priced £21.99.

Previously

• Personal injuries claims — what you need to know
• Colmans sued over inadequate product labelling
• US to print health warning on Sun