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  Monday 25th July 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Benny 16 rejects 'God's Rottweiler' sobriquet

His Holy Pontificateness 'adores' cats, Vatican confirms
by Regina Marracco

After three or so months clomping around in the Shoes of the Fisherman, Pope Benny 16 has broken his silence and admitted that he doesn't even like Rottweilers, or any canines for that matter. This comment produced a huge sigh of relief at Buck House, as work on the Prince and Mrs Of Wales' new coat of arms was on hold due to the questionable copyright infringement of using a Rottweiler savaging poor dead Diana, and would God, via His Popeness, be pissed off?

Benny 16: Choir Boy The long-time housekeeper of Ben's brother, Agnes Eva Braun, said that while growing up in bucolic Bavaria, dodging Allied bombs and attending Hitler Youth rallies, "the pope and his family always had cats". "Of course," added Ms. Braun, "there really weren't any Rottweilers or German Shepherds around; they were all conscripted by the SS to round up Jews."

Indeed, The Rockall Times can confirm that The Pope™ is the proud owner of a black and white short hair called "Choir Boy", a gift from long-time friend and religious pioneer, Bernard Cardinal Law. Choir Boy is the son of Cardinal Law's own special companion, "Altar Boy".

The official spokespriest for the Holy See press office, Msgr. Antonio Soprano, acknowledged that it is a mortal sin to keep pets in personal quarters within the Vatican, but declined to elaborate. He grudgingly corroborated the rumour, however, that since the Pope's ascension to the head job, choirboys and altar boys are now permitted to visit "private quarters", but only for (religious) instruction.

In a related story, His Popeness is apparently not a Harry Potter fan. A German theology writer and right-wing fanatic published excerpts of a letter written by then Cardinal Ratzinger condemning the Potter series. "It is good that you shed light and inform us on the Harry Potter matter, for these are subtle seductions that are barely noticeable... and corrupt the Catholic faith..." His Popeness went on to deny that he and his mate, Bernie Law, purchased 5000 copies of the latest Potter epic, said to have been charged to his HolySee Express card, for a party planned later this month at Castle Gandolfo for the Bavarian Boys2Men Choir.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man