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  Monday 25th July 2005  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Government mulls 'mad mullah' poser

Extradition for raghead ne'er-do-wells? Hmmmm...
by Bob Wallet

As Londonistan reels from another wave of attempted terrorist attacks, the Home Office has bowed to public pressure regarding foreigners and reasserted its intentions not to be put off by bad publicity and concerns about human rights abuses: failed asylum seekers from Zimbabwe will be deported as soon as EasyJet has vacancies on its Luton-Harare route.

Abu Qatada: Kitchen suite "For a minute there I thought they were referring to us," said Abu Qatada, the British-based Jordanian representative of al-Qaeda. "I had just ordered a new kitchen suite for my apartment. Then I thought 'trust the Home Office to put the kibosh on it at the eleventh hour'. This is good news for me."

The government has been fielding criticism from Pakistan, Egypt and France, for harbouring terrorists and terrorist sympathisers. On the list of bad boys being protected by government red tape was Rashid Ramda, wanted by the French authorities for terrorist attacks on the Paris underground. Only now has the Home Office agreed to extradite the Algerian, probably as a snide gesture aimed at rubbing Chirac's nose in it after Paris lost the Olympic bid.

But still here, and still calling for all westerners, Jews, and non-believers to be put to the sword and killed in various grisly ways is Omar Bakri Mohammed, the founder of al-Muhajiroun. "Sometimes I wake up in the night in a cold sweat," Bakri told The Rockall Times. "I worry that the situation is a big joke, an extended April Fool trick — because you westerners are all cynical cunning dogs, you see — and one day the armed police will turn up and say 'fooled you'. But then I sit down with my friends, we watch a few DVDs of the WTC attack and they reassure me. 'Ommy,' they say, 'Ommy you always were a worrier. The British government won't do anything to us because we're not from Zimbabwe. Relax man'."

One man who did eventually get his collar felt was Abu Hamza, bete noir of the Daily Mail, and notorious for imitating Captain Hook from the Peter Pan novel. Hamza, who regularly held inflammatory roadside oratations outside Finchley Mosque, was famously asked by Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight: "If you hate Britain so much why don't you leave?" To which Hamza even more famously replied: "Because the government won't let me!" Only now, following an extradition request from the 'world's only superpower', the United States of Texan Oil, did the Home Office cave in and allow Hamza to be considered for release from his torment.

"It seems to be the case that blowing up British citizens comes before the good old British 'sense of fair play'," Arnold Walker of the International Defence Review told The Rockall Times. "We tell the likes of Pakistan to cough up their mad mullahs, we're not all day at encouraging the Muslim communities to grass on the extremists in their midst, but they have the damn cheek to let these known fanatics walk about and do nothing about it. There are more extremists and terrorist organisations based in London than in the whole of Kashmir, Chechnya, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Egypt, Algeria, Saudi Arabia and Yemen put together. Then we wonder why others call the capital Londonistan. Do you know what the terrorists call it?" We weren't sure. "Butlins!"

As The Rockall Times was going to press, news leaked that an agreement on extradition had been reached between Britain and Jordan. "The agreement, which is made with extreme caution," announced Peter Pastry, Junior Home Office Minister, "stipulates that if we do return known troublemakers they must not be dealt with in a way that might cause injury. So no executions et cetera. Britain doesn't make a habit of doing this sort of thing. We prefer to deal with these chaps in a distinctly British kind of way that involves fair play, a stiff upper lip, and nothing interrupting tea except the shipping forecast."

Spokesmen for al-Muhajiroun and another extremist organisation, Hizb'ut Tahrir, said in response to the Jordanian accord, "It will generate air miles, but it will be business as usual. We have our gentlemen's agreement with the British Government and we're pleased to see they're honouring that. Maybe they're not such a bad enemy after all."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man