There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times Rockall History
  Monday 25th July 2005  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

Majority of Muslims back radical hate preacher

Football fans first, British second
by Janus Motsonius

A shocking 62 per cent of British Muslims back radical hate preacher Emperor Jose Mourinho, we can exclusively reveal. Mourinho, whose relentless torrent of polemic and invective has had a profound effect on young, disillusioned Muslims, encourages the faithful to launch themselves bodily on the infidel — including the Football Association and the rival Mancunii, Arsenii and Scousorix tribes.

Disturbingly, 48 per cent of those who admitted admiration for the Blues' Caesar said they were "football fans first, British second" — a statement which demonstrates the dangerously fragmented nature of UK society.

An expert in interdenominational sporting violence told The Rockall Times: "Despite the best efforts of the football authorities to promote peace and harmony among groups with different team allegiances, young men continue to turn to violence as a means of expressing their dissatisfaction with society. Men like Mourinho simply fan the flames of hatred. It's hard now to imagine that Chelsea and Arsenal fans will ever get together for a pre-match pie and a pint. Something must be done."

Indeed, there are increasingly vociferous calls for Mourinho and his ilk to be packed off back from whence they came — in the Stamford Bridge Czar's case to the fundamentalist republic of Iberistan. As one enraged tabloid editor explained: "It's the only language they understand: a one-way, business-class ticket to Lisbon." He then went on to list dozens of examples of hatemongering pond life who would likewise benefit from a "Home Office package holiday", including Abu Hamza, Big Ron Atkinson and Abi Titmuss, the latter "simply because she gets on my fuc*king tits," as our by-now-apoplectic hack admitted.

Mourinho, meanwhile, is unrepentant. He took time from slashing an effigy of rival Mancunii chief Alexus Maximus Fergusonius with his jewel-encrusted sword of state to declare: "I am not concerned about how Chelsea are viewed morally. The righteous jihad will continue until all domestic and European titles are united under the one true flag. Praise be to me.

Previously

 Top-quality apparel from the world's remotest islet