1,500 illegal immigrants 'missing' on Rockall

Up to 1,500 failed asylum seekers have gone awol on the sacred islet of Rockall since their applications to reside on the North Atlantic's loneliest outcrop were turned down, authorites admitted last week.

The Rockall Home Affairs Secretariat issued a statement which read: "We can confirm that a large number of Albanian paedophiles and Muslim ne'er-do-wells scheduled for deportation on the next supply vessel have simple 'disappeared' from our radar. We are currently instigating an investigation into how so many obviously foreign personages could have secreted themselves on the Rock."

In the wake of the revelations, feelings in Rockall's liveliest pub — the Fighting Dog & Pikey — were running high. One young man, taking a moment from pumping pound coins into a "Gannet-a-go-go" fruit machine while supping a pint of snakebite, told The Rockall Times: "Fuc*king immigrants fuc*king taxpayers' money dolescrounging fuc*kers taking our fuc*king council houses..."

Our reporter felt this young man was on the point of saying something of import when the lad lost interest, having just scooped £3 on the fruity's "Guillemot Ladder of Fate" nudge feature. At this point, the landlord suggested we drop this most sensitive of issues "because the locals are pretty fired up about the whole thing". This analysis was endorsed in broken English by the pub's pot boy, a 17-year-old Romanian charged with cleaning the establishment's glasses with his tongue in return for 50p and hour and all he can eat from the Fighting Dog & Pikey's rubbish bins.

Previously

• Howard goes for jugular with Rockall immigrant camp plan
• Defiant Brits battle on
• Fearless Brits liberate Norfolk pub