Inter Milan fly in after Italian bottle job

Inter Milan yesterday decided to rethink its decision to cancel a scheduled tour of Britain after the UK's sports minister Richard Caborn reportedly had heated telephone conversations with his Italian counterpart Mario Pescante and spaghetti-munching footie supremo Franco Carraro during which the apoplectic Brit was heard by terrified staff to utter the words "Ethiopia", "reverse gear" and "smallest book in the world" before slamming down the phone and proceeding to the nearest Pizza restaurant and "throwing a plate of tortellini at a portrait of Silvio Berlusconi", according to armed police who attended the scene.

Inter are due to face the intimidating line-up of Crystal Palace, Leicester, Norwich and Portsmouth this week. Their last-minute attack of nerves apparently centred around the fact that the team would have at some point been obliged to set foot in London. They were offered the alternative airport of East Midlands Airport but this gesture did not initially calm Italian nerves.

A spokesman for Inter told The Rockall Times: "The lads are not bothered about suicide bombers, but the Brazilian team members locked themselves in the dressing room and refused to come out until they had confirmation that the tour was off. Jose Marcello Ze Maria is still tranqued up to the eyeballs after becoming convinced that if he sets foot on British soil he will be chased onto a tube train by armed police officers and pumped full of lead."

In London, meanwhile, Met top dog Sir Ian Blair assured the jittery Latins that it was not police policy to shoot Brazilians as a matter of course but that "the family of Jean Charles de Menezes must be aware that fare evasion is a very serious matter indeed", and that "my officers have explicit instructions to fire without warning at anyone jumping the ticket barrier".

Accordingly, Brazilians living in London have been advised by their embassy to "walk very slowly when in Tube stations" and "keep your Oyster card where the police can see it".

For their part, the Samba contingent of the Inter Milan team will this afternoon jet off to the comparative safety of Egypt's Sharm al-Sheikh resort where they will spend a relaxing five days at the recently-refurbished Ghazala Gardens hotel.

Previously

• Serie A matches abandoned in response to fans' demands
• Italian football cash crisis resolved
• Jap discovered still fighting World Cup