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NASA announces new breed of spacecraft

Years of secret research by NASA scientists have at last come to fruition, it was announced yesterday.

It has long been known that NASA have been attempting to lower the cost of space missions with reusable vehicles and "quicker cheaper better" missions. What has been kept from all but those closest to the centre of the vast organisation is research into the Organic Replication System (ORS) which has been the secret brainchild of Fredrick von Wurlitzer-Organ.

Dr Wurlitzer-Organ addressed a special press conference yesterday and revealed that using a blend of advanced molecular biology, 200 tonnes of milk chocolate, a bunch of flowers and a huge Viagra pill, NASA has managed to persuade the Space Shuttle to mate with a large booster rocket. Dr Wurlitzer, affecting a fake comedy German accent to further fuel speculation that the entire US space programme if run by former Nazis, explained: "Zee Space Shuttle very shy ist. It is making mit der kissing und der cuddling only ven no-one is him watching, jah?"

He went on to explain that for many years it was thought that spacecraft could never be bred in captivity. But following a chance observation last year when a shuttle was seen to fire a retro-rocket prematurely at the sight of a large white silk weather balloon, space scientists have been trying to create exactly the right romantic atmosphere for these inter-planetary leviathans.

"Ve gave ze booster rocket a flimsy silk negligee mit der giant suspenders und shtokings," continued an increasingly-excited Wurlitzer-Organ. "Ve could see ze shuttle he vas interested, jah?, but ze booster rocket vas shy und inexperienced. It looked like zey vood just say hello und zen spend years moping about vat zey should haf said."

But in true Hollywood style, romance blossomed after the shuttle opened its payload doors to reveal the props of desperate lovers the world over; chocolate and flowers.

"Ve saw zey ver preparing to dock und ve captured zee tender moment vis der space telescope," said Wurlitzer-Organ, his eyes shut and his face beaming at the memory.

Unfortunately for the intergalactic paparazzi the couple concluded their embrace shielded from prying eyes by a large meteor.

Asked what the progeny were likely to look like a spokesman for the space engineering and biology unit of UC Davis said: "I can't do foreign accents so I'll get to the point. We did not have to wait long, as the shuttle returned to earth it brought with it two of its new family to show us'."

Scientists hope to examine the young space cubs, as they have been called, but at the moment they cannot approach closer than 500 metres without the shuttle growling and showing its teeth.

"Ve hope to get nearer ven next it is sleeping," said an increasingly frustrated Wurlitzer-Organ.

In the UK, meanwhile, attempts to cross a dustbin lid with a radiogram yielded Beagle II.

Previously

• NASA to send retard into space
• Buzz Aldrin 'was never in Los Angeles' shock claim
• Rockall: Visible from space or what?

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