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  Monday 25th July 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Shock report links Iraq war to exploding ragheads

Controversial findings rattle politicos
by Bronz

A government-sponsored research group yesterday announced that the repeated civilian deaths caused by The Forces of Freedom™ in Iraq may have exacerbated the current climate of exploding ragheads worldwide.

In news which will come as a shock to many, a spokesman said: "It would appear that the constant destruction of civilian homes and businesses by helicopter gunships and Humvees bristling with .50 calibre machine guns, and the resultant deaths of those inside, has been a direct factor in the rise of power surges on public transport and other Atrocities Against Our Way of Life™." To a stunned audience he continued: "No-one really thought that the easy-going tactics of Our Boys© would cause any particular rise in violent attacks by disgruntled jihadists in proper Western countries. Jesus, they've been at it hammer and tongs for years over there, in fact pretty much ever since anyone can remember. Why it should matter now if a few more women and kids get roasted is anybody's guess."

Charles Clarke: Fondue setsID card fetishist and UK home secretary Charles "Dumbo" Clarke swiftly responded with a statement more in line with government policy and popular thinking. "Everyone knows that the life of your average Arab is worth significantly less than that of Jonny Westerner," he burbled. "In fact we have determined that it would take the deaths of at least12 Islamists (or 24 Iraqi kids) to cause the same amount of karmic trauma as a single white male perishing. At present only about 50 to 60 civilians are being killed per day due to wandering too close to a military establishment when someone pops their clogs in an explosive fashion. This equates to roughly five Western deaths on a pro rata basis. Every day in the UK this many people die as a result of faulty electric fondue sets. You don't see their relatives filling bags with explosives and heading for Switzerland, do you?"

High President Dubya of the United International Free States of the Universe declared "I am amazedified by these revealifications. All Iraqians should know that we are fighting for Freedom, Peace, and and the right to proper nutrition." He then stepped aside to allow a representative for McDonalds to explain how Iraqistan might benefit from a chain of drive-through Burger outlets "as long as they promise not to drive in, explode and, well, not drive out".

In London, meanwhile, resolute British PM Tony Blair poo-pooed the thinktank's findings with a simple: "There is no evidence whatsoever to suggest a link between the War in Iraq™, the War on Terror™ and recent events in London. In the former, the atrocities are committed by exponents of a perverted interpretation of Islam fuelled by a hatred of the West inspired by what they believe are injustices carried out against the whole Muslim world. In the latter, it's just a few ordinary, cricket-loving lads from Leeds who fell in with a bad crowd. It could happen to any family, which is why Euan is currently not allowed any Playstation for a month after Cherie caught him reading the Koran under the covers and trying to book a plane ticket to Pakistan on the internet. Kids, eh?"

Breaking news

UK authorities report that a man was last night arrested at Heathrow airport while trying to board a plane to Berne carrying a rucksack packed with home-made explosives. He is described as "ordinary and middle-aged" but suffering from depression following his wife's tragic death in a faulty electric fondue set explosion in Basingstoke.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man