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  Monday 25th July 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Condoleezza Rice Crew in Sudan security rumpus

Missy Baad's Bad Boys show Khartoum the meaning of 'rispek'
by Bob Wallet

"Yo, get da fuc*k off my bling." Seven words that resulted in an airport scuffle and news headlines around the world. Condo Missy Baad Rice's tour of the Sudan, Lebanon and Palestine, (promoted as "Da Hot Bitch Middle East Shakedown"), started in acrimonious circumstances as the US Head of State collided head on with Sudanese hospitality, with a foul mouthed tirade against "Da Arab Muthafuc*kas".

Condoleeeza Rice: RispekUnshaken by the fracas, Rice appeared later at a press conference, and outlined exactly what had happened. "They don't show us no rispek, you know wha I'm sayin. No rispek. And you show no rispek to me, I'm gonna whoop yo black ass. Luckaly, in da end, I had my big boys around me: Ten Dollar Bill, KnuckleBone, DDR Ram and Jizz Fruit, and a few of da Boston Crew who gave back a whole bitta shit. Now I'll tell yo muthafuc*kas in da Nord Africa, yo tangle wi me an my boys agin I'm gonna shove my nuclear arsenal right up yo black crack and no shit."

The mini-riot was sparked by a Sudanese security guard failing to recognise Ten Dollar Bill, Rice's three hundred and fifty pound Personal Trainer and ex-Greenbay Packers running back. "He did not look like a member of Head of State Rice's entourage. I tried to ask him for identification and she spat in my face." She being Condoleezza Rice? "Yes, the tally woman. Then she called me a motherfuc*kin homeboy who needed to be taught some fuc*kin manners."

"Da guy showed disrispek, yo hear wha I'm sayin. Disrispek," Rice asserted to The Rockall Times. "Cussin and swingin his fists around. I bit da motherfuc*ka real hard on da butt, but any talk o spittin is just mean, man. Mean, you know wha I'm sayin. I don't do no spittin." In a separate interview, DDR Ram, a rap artist from Compton, Los Angeles whose real name is Roger Taylor, expressed concern for Rice's safety. "She's only a small woman, man, you know wha I'm sayin. A small woman. I mean small, man. One minute she's there in the crowd, fuc*kin dis and fuc*kin dat, you could see she was angry, da next minute she's hangin off some guy's butt. Then she kicks some other guy right in da balls. Those pointy-toed boots can cut a mothafuc*ka in half, you know wha I'm sayin."

President Bush refused to be drawn on the incident, although in response to a casual question thrown to him on the Whitehouse lawn he smiled: "Well, you know some folks will pick on the wrong person. Missy Baad, I mean Doctor Rice is a tough individual; scares the hell outta me, but she can look after herself." Asked if the scrap would inflame tensions within the Arab Muslim diaspora he shrugged his shoulders. "I doubt it. And what the fuc*k's a diaspora anyway?"

Meanwhile back in Lebanon, no such altercation occurred this time as Rice's entourage of black Humvees, Lexus coupes and BMWs sped into Beirut. Dressed in a white stetson, Dainese jacket, white leather hotpants and thigh boots, Missy Baad Rice met the incumbent Lebanese President at the Sheraton Hotel. In a joint press conference she thanked the Lebanese for their hospitality and praised their resolve in rebuilding the country after the disastrous civil war of the 1980s. "Yo bitches know how to get yo shi*t together. Make no mistake, no muthafuc*ka better mess wi my new buddies in da Lebanon cause Missy Baad gonna be right on yo ass and kickin butt wi ten megatons, you know wha I'm sayin? Rispek."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man