UK awash with unwashed dishwashers

The NAO (National Audit Office, or No Arabs Ousted; take your pick) revealed that at least 283,500 failed asylum seekers are still dossing in the UK. Even more alarming, this figure only takes into account cases after 2000, when the NAO began recording asylum applications on an old Univac picked up at a boot sale in Cobham.

In a surprising move, the NAO blamed the failure to deport asylum seekers deemed unworthy due to being too radical, too militant, or too damn Arab on the IND (Immigration and Nationality Directorate or Islamics Never Denied; take your pick). The Chairman of the Public Accounts Committee, Kamal Mustapha, to whom the NAO reports, stated: "It is shocking that IND cannot give an accurate figure of the number of illegal immigrants living and working in the UK."

Deputy Immigration Minister Mustapha Kamal countered: "Right back at you, NAO. We have significantly reduced asylum applications by streamlining our approvals process. Additionally, we are implementing an incentive program for Deportation Officers which should increase our deportation ratio for failed asylum seekers to deporting at least one of every 15 denied and left free to roam the country."

This reporter traveled to Leeds on a tip from a cabdriver on a hair-raising journey home from the local pub. On condition of anonymity, County Council Chairman Mohammed Mustapha Kamal admitted: "Leeds would grind to a halt if we deported the illegals. We would have to close the Post Offices, or try to hire British workers. The petrol stations and Pakistani take-aways wouldn't be able to function, and we'd all have to live on Chinese food."

A passerby, who would only give his name as Ali G, admitted to be living in the UK illegally, but defended his status: "I go to university and study chemistry. I mentor a youth group, and attend a mosque zealously."

In related news, Afghan president Hamid Karzai paid an official visit to Britain last week to hold talks with Prime Minister Blair. The IND granted Mr Karzai political asylum as he was checking into Claridges.

Previously

• Immigrants: Click here for permanent residency
• 10 things all immigrants should know about the UK
• Immigrants: What every parent should know