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  Monday 1st August 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Al-Qaeda marches on Bolivian powder weapon

Chilling threat to Great Satan
by Regina Marracco

Bogata, Columbia — Reports in a New York City newspaper allege that al-Qaeda Numero Uno Ozzie bin Laden has hatched a dastardly new plot to "bring the Great Satan [America] to its knees" by selling poisoned cocaine to addicts in the US. This reporter traveled to Bogota to get a line on what's going down, or up, as the case may be.

Historically, Señor bin Laden has been a major player in the cultivation, processing, and trafficking of heroin in Afghanistan. Captured Taliban officials spoke fondly of the "raves in Osama's caves" during brainstorming sessions for terrorist attacks against the US.

DEA officials in America confirm that there is a definite agreement cooking between al-Qaeda and the South American drug cartels, including sneaking in thousands of trained terrorists disguised as newly hired drug ponies, who, of course, have no difficulty at all getting into South America. Terrorists, on the other hand, are sometimes detained for up to three hours and desultorily questioned.

According to the US Consumer Spending Lobby, Americans spend more than $65bn a year on drugs. Selling tons of poisoned cocaine would have an immediate and deadly impact on the motion picture industry and professional sports teams, as well as political leaders and Bible-thumping far Right religious gurus. One drug lord I danced with in a Salsa Club called Hezbollah told me, on condition of anonymity: "We would probably agree to work with Señor Osama if we could be sure Rev. Jessie Jackson would get some of the bad blow. He gets on everybody's nerves."

However, after further research, and a lot of dancing, I was assured that the kingpins of South America turned down bin Laden's very lucrative offer to buy four million tons of cocaine. "Business is quite brisk," said another dancing partner. "Why would we want to 'cut off their noses to spite America' for Señor Osama"? Our client base would all die and we would have to slash our prices and try to get the Canadians hooked."

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 Go on then, hard man