God vents spleen on Boy Scouts

Eagle Scout, VA — A series of deadly incidents, downplayed as "freaks of nature" have marred the 2005 Boy Scout Jamboree. The Jamboree is held every four years, and attracts more than 40,000 Boy Scouts, leaders and volunteers from around the world. This year's event is being held at the US Army's Fort A.P. Hill, about an hour south of Washington, DC The shockingly violent occurrences, coupled with the fact that the US Army, host of the event, has a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in place regarding gays in the military, has Scout officials wondering if these accidents might not be a message to the Boy Scouts of America to reevaluate their own platform of "Gays are perverts and don't belong in a wholesome environment like the Scouts".

The first incident occurred when four troop leaders were electrocuted while putting up a tent and inadvertently hit a power line that on-lookers swear hadn't been there five minutes earlier. A memorial service was hastily arranged for the barbecued blokes and it was decided to carry on with the event. Apparently, God felt another prompting was in order.

On the second day of the festivities, over 300 Scouts and leaders fell ill from the unusually high heat and humidity, suffering symptoms including cramped muscles, nausea, dizziness, rapid heartbeat, and a desire to earn an Eagle Scout badge for interior decorating. One hundred people had to be hospitalized overnight, including all of the now nattily attired Eagle Scout candidates.

The fearless leader of the free world, President George W. Bush, had to cancel his address to the Jamboree on the third day, due to severe thunderstorms and lightening. Disappointed participants had to make do with press releases of his address: "The Far Right is Really Right; Stick to Your Narrow. Fundamentalist Christian Charter."

On the seventh day (are you sensing a pattern here?) annoyed that His message wasn't getting across, the Supreme Being sent a lightning strike to a troop of Scouts camping. killing two and seriously injuring seven. The troop, who were not attending the Jamboree, were in Sequoia National Park. An amazed park ranger, Sgt. Yogi Bear, commented: "Deaths from lightning in such high country are as rare as gays in the Boy Scouts."

As the festivities at the Jamboree drew to a close, a high ranking official confirmed that the Imperial Wizard and the board of directors will be meeting in the near future, in a non-tornado, hurricane, flash-flood, brush fire area and definitely not in a very tall building, to rethink the "Keep Homos Out" policy.

Previously

• Boy Scouts take lead in Afghan rebuild effort
• Church of England rent asunder by gay thunderbolt
• Rift Valley benders — the missing kink?