UK electrician crisis deepens

You just can't get one when you need one

by Samin Ishtiaq

A spokeman for the UK electrical and plumbers trade body last night confirmed that the UK shortage of qualified electricians was set to worsen following the Stockwell shooting of Brazilian electrician Edson Arantes Do Nascimento.

Plainclothes policemen pumped eight rounds into the Brazilian sparks' head in a shocking Stockwell tube station bloodbath scenario. "This is terrible news from us electricians point of view," said Chaz Lee, the UK electricians' spokesman. "As everyone knows, you can never get an electrician when you really need one. If the police go around shooting them as well, then the situation will become impossible. You couldn't pay me for this interview in cash, could ya?"

Lees' analysis was confirmed by Battersea homemaker Pippa Greengables, who has been waiting for two weeks for the Brazilian to fit some halogen downlighters in her Gordon Ramsey inspired kitchen. "It's just not bloody good enough," she fumed into her green tea. "He said he'd be here at midday and that was the last I heard of him. The value of this house has dropped 0.00001 per cent as a result of his failure to keep appointments. My solictors will be in touch."

For Greengables and other frustrated homeowners, things look set to get worse. UK labour economists have speculated that the Stockwell shooting will decrease the attraction of electrical work as an occupation. "We are already seeing a surplus in NVQ Level 2 electrical training courses in London and the South East", Prof Milton Friedman of Newcastle University said today. "Who would want to become an electrician if you know that you're just going to end up like a Yardie drug dealer in a Brixton Babylon stylee?" he emphasized, translating the latter part of his Sarf London argot-driven pronouncement as "shot dead".

Sources close to the Metropolitan Police denied that Sr Arantes Do Nascimento had ever been booked to do work at the high-security Paddington Green police station. "This is definitely not related to the bloke who bodged the extra plug socket in the CO's restroom and then buggered off for extra parts never to be seen again," the source said. "The Met does not operate a shoot-to-kill policy for errant tradesmen," he stressed.

In Paris, meanwhile, there are reports that the French Interior Minister plans to visit London to learn from the Metropolitan Police's policies. "This is one sure way of addressing our Polish plumber issue," a French Interior spokesman said. The French plumbers union has been concerned about the influx of cheaper, more efficient and virile Polish plumbers since Poland's accession to the EU.

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UK electrician crisis deepens

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