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  Monday 1st August 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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New look IRA Lite™ announces business strategy

Adapt or die
by How Tenji

An IRA spokesman interviewed by The Rockall Times today revealed the astonishing series of events which led to the recent renunciation of violence and crime.

It appears that a top-level IRA strategy group met with business consultants last month. "It was a pretty intense weekend in which we were forced to challenge our assumptions about ourselves. I'm not ashamed to admit there were tears, some beatings and a brutal knee-capping, but in the end we came together on a real journey of self discovery," beamed a smiling spokesman wearing a Val Doonican style sweater, golf slacks and a balaclava with a bobble on top.

"We tried to analyse the benefits which the IRA offers society and define exactly what constitutes our unique offer," he continued. "But try as we might we could not differentiate our mix of terror, mindless violence and general thuggish behaviour from that of our competitors."

"A breakthrough came in the small hours of Sunday morning when, in a brainstorming session, someone joked: 'Al-Qaeda is giving terrorism a bad name'," our spokesman continued. "It was like someone had switched on a light in our heads. For years we had blithely assumed that the people of Ulster would continue to want locally-produced armed vigilantes and the occasional car bomb. Suddenly we realised they could get that cheaper and better on the international market."

Like so many British industries before them the IRA have been forced to innovate or die. Intense work over the past three weeks has led to the launch of four wholly owned subsidiaries of the industrious Provos. Each will use the transferable skills of the organisation in new legitimate business activities. Look out for:

IRA (Fertilizer Spreading) Ltd. Drums of fertilizer and diesel, expertly sited through your fields will explode and spread high quality ammonium nitrate evenly over your crops.

IRA (Swimming Pool Installation) Ltd. Drums of fertilizer and diesel, expertly sited in your garden, will explode to give an instant swimming pool excavation.

IRA (Pyrotechnics) Ltd. Drums of fertilizer and diesel of various sizes, together with drain pipe mortars will give a firework display you’ll never forget! (Closed 5 Nov).

IRA (Pest Control) Ltd. Drums of fertilizer and diesel expertly placed near sites of rodent infestation can be ignited to give a permanent and environmentally-friendly pest-control solution.

Asked for the perspective of former terrorists on recent events in London our contact said: "Yeah that business at Stockwell really put the tin hat on it for us. Did you read about it? Seven shots to the head and one in the shoulder. Fuc*king hell, I didn't think they were allowed to do that, its outrageous. I can tell you for nothing that we were shit-scared. You don't expect to be gunned down by police in this country. Gibraltar, yeah, fair enough, but London? Christ I'm glad I quit when I did. Fuc*king animals them coppers. Not like the old days... swift clip round the ear... knew where you were..." At this point our teary-eyed spokesman started reading the Daily Mail, took out a pipe, put on slippers and poured a small sweet sherry.

We fear that terrorism will never be quite the same again.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man