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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Rusedski takes baseball bat to English Cricket Board

English tennis ace Greg Rusedski was today embroiled in a furious war of words campaign with David Graveney, the chairman of selectors for the ECB. Sources close to Rusedski claim the big-server, whose mother is rumoured to have been born in Beeston in Leeds, was agitated at having spent "most of Saturday" at home indoors watching the second day of the First Test against the Australians from Lords. Startled witnesses close to his home said they had been amazed by Rusedski's early-morning outburst. Gasped one shocked onlooker: "He was shouting his head off, eh. Shouting something about there being too many foreigners on the team. It didn't make a lot of sense to us, eh, because you don't get that many people watching cricket in this part of Ontario."

Max Clifford was quick to issue a statement defending his client: "Gregorsz was miffed that he wasted much of Saturday watching England's pathetic capitulation against the Aussies when he could have been opening a new children's hospital in Saskatchewan or appearing on Degrassi Junior High. Were it not for the time difference, his entire day would have been, quite literally, ruined."

Those close to Rusedkski, the English number two and ranked 4,316,794th in the latest ATP world rankings, claim the tennis star was upset by the number of foreigners in the England order. "There are at least two taffs and one flaming saffer," his father, Vladimir Milorad Predrag Radoslav Rusedski was overheard to have said on a chartered flight from Montréal to Kiev. Rusedsdki's sister, Radmila, speaking from her porch in the Montréal suburb of Joliette said: "Wszystkie nasze tłumaczenia są podwójnie sprawdzane przez wysoko kwalifikowanych rodzimych użytkowników języka docelowego."

Others were quick to pledge their support to Rusedski. "Greg is a known patriot of Great Britain, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Eire and has done wonders for British tennis in the past decade. Like all good Englishmen, he was upset at the way Graham Thorpe and his men fell to pieces against an ageing Kiwi Test side," sniffed Lennox Lewis while honeymooning in the historic Victorian seaside hamlet of Mexico.

David Graveney issued a hastily cobbled together statement to Breaking Sky Headline Exclusive News through his press advisor, Darren Gough: "The ECB cannot possibly be expected to comment on the fact these explosive Muslim lads believe they will be met with 74 virgins once they leave this mortal coil. My personal belief, however, is that should the 72 virgins exist at all they're all bound to look like Ena Sharples. Besides, wouldn't you want to be met with absolute slappers who knew what they were doing in the bedroom department?" asked the Bristol-born administrator.

Rusedski's sole public appearance since the story broke was on BBC's Breakfast with Natasha Kaplinsky. Subjected to the kind of questioning the Great British public has come to expect from the hard-hitting journo, Rusedski was clearly agitated as he sat on the BBC couch next to the news and dancing superstar. When asked for his views on the recent spate of terrorist high-jinks that have plagued his capital city, the gap-toothed tennis marvel commented: "To the best of my knowledge, Ottawa has been relatively unaffected. Even the separatist Bloc Québecois have been well behaved this summer. It's lovely walking down the side of the canal." At this stage in the interview, Rusedski was interrupted by renowned numerate Carol Vorderman, rumoured to be enjoying a torrid lesbian fling with Ms. Kaplinsky, who suggested apropos of nothing: "It's a shame he was a sparky, that Brazilian chap. It's difficult getting a decent sparky in London these days. Why couldn't he have been an estate agent or a recruitment consultant? Life's not fair. Though it does bring new meaning to the expression 'having a Brazilian' doesn't it, 'Tash?" she opined.

Saint Lord Sir Bob Geldof was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

Previously

• Nation rejoices as Rusedski cleared
• Woman’s hair flick to blame for Rusedski loss
• Red-faced Tories apologise for Blunkett visa slur