NASA probes shuttle lapdancing link

NASA Public Relations Office - Lucky 7's Casino, Reno, Nevada — NASA officials confirmed on Thursday that a piece of foam dislodged from the space shuttle's external fuel tank and "might have struck the wing of Discovery's orbiter".

George V. W. Bush (distant relation), deputy director of excuses and double talk, said there was a "difference of opinion" among analysts about whether the piece of foam actually struck the orbiter. "Three of the guys think it did, but three think it didn't. The video isn't real clear because we inadvertently used the tape from Tim's (Chief Engineer Timothy J. Rocket) bachelor party and it might be foam hitting the orbiter, or it could be something else, ejected from Tim onto the lap dancer."

Orbiter Program Manager Werner Braun, who was also at Tim's bachelor party the night before the launch, said that a detailed analysis of the orbiter by Commander Eileen Collins, who stuck her head out the hatch to have a look see, turned up nothing that might present a safety issue to the ground crew's jobs, but could be dicey for the seven crew members aboard. Mr. Braun commented, "This is a very clean orbiter. It's a clean machine. We don't see anything that would keep us from attempting re-entry. Of course, we're down here and they're somewhere up there, so they might feel differently about it."

Inspections will continue until the proposed return date to allow the crew members on the space station to clean house, in case they're saddled with seven guests indefinitely, as a decision has not been reached as to whether the space shuttle program will be grounded for the foreseeable future.

Upon being pressed, Mr. Bush did admit that Discovery suffered 23 dings in the thermal protection tiles and slight damage to the doors that cover the nose landing gear on lift off, which are not covered by insurance. He also grudgingly verified reports that the shuttle struck a bird during liftoff. "We've never seen a bird attack a shuttle before in the history of the space program," Bush admitted before denying rumours that the creature in question had in fact been trained in a Q'aranic univiversity in Pakistan before travelling to the United States on a forged passport.

"We're studying the sound recordings to see if in fact the bird did in fact cry 'Allah Akbar' moments before the impact," Bush explained. "Personally, I think it sounds more like 'Oh shit...'"