Virgin kerfuffle provokes trouble in paradise

Although the afterlife is generally considered by all good Muslims to be a pleasant place, free of fear, intolerance and infidel, a new development has knocked its fluffy clouds for six and pissed in its cool babbling streams. The threat comes not from invasion by the assembled ranks of the Great Satan's Archangels led by a vengeful God in the likeness of Charlton Heston, but rather a far more worldy menace — industrial action. And while banner-bearing flying pickets gathered around a brazier is normally the preserve of the mortal realm, the exalted inhabitants of Allah's paradise may soon have to contend with union conveners shouting demands through golden megaphones.

Indeed, the newly-formed Virgins Against Jihad (VAJ) has announced an inaugural ballot on deflowering by suicide bombers. "Most of us had been saving ourselves for a nice bloke and were getting measured up for the burqa only to experience an untimely, and usually unpleasant, death," said VAJ spokesperson Betty Aziz yesterday. Aziz admitted to having been blown apart in a recent car bomb attack in Baghdad "while out shopping for tinned anchovies". She had high hopes for the afterlife, but admits: "On arrival in paradise, however, we're told that our maidenhood is to be offered to the souls of suicide bombers. What's more, we're expected to go at it like jackrabbits while another 79 virgins gather round waiting their turn. It hardly seems fair, does it?"

Comedic necessity led us to persuade her to add: "I don't see why we have to take this lying down."

Having organised VAJ, the demised women immediately presented their case to the Almighty, who as ever, was and is unavailable for comment. However, this particular stricture may be less binding than many people on Earth believe. "It's one of those bits which is open to interpretation," said a spokesman for the hereafter. "As is often the case with the Qur'an, it's debatable whether the 80 virgins in question are symbolic, actual in solid form or a more ephemeral version of womanhood. One interpretation is that the 'virgin' aspect refers to a kind of holy wine — non-alcoholic, one imagines. I can't say advise the living how to proceed on this one, I'm afraid, as it's part of the eternal mystery of faith. Whatever. I've got to go now. I've got myself into enough trouble as it is."

Nevertheless, the VAJ ballot looks set to reject any enforced sexual congress as part of their inaugral mission statement, just in case. "We'd just like a say in this matter. Lest we forget, suicide bombers aren't exactly the pick of the bunch, are they?" noted Aziz. "They've all got a face like the back of a number 30 bus — quite literally in the case of Hasib Hussein — and, well, one of the virgins sent to throw herself on his martyred manhood told me later it was like a cocktail sausage and he shot his load in ten seconds and then asked for a cigarette. It's not my idea of paradise, let me tell you."

Mercifully, the ballot may not even have to take place. With the world packed to the gunwales with exploding ragheads queuing up to get their leg over 80-fold, there could soon be a disatrous shortage of virgins. Islamic theologians confess it could be time for a rethink.

Previously

• God for the off: Official
• One Almighty mess: Our exclusive interview with God
• War on Terror™ update: You're all going to die and so are your kids