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  Monday 1st August 2005  Society   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Waxing panic sweeps beauty salons

Girls opt for bush over bullet
by Bronz

Beauty salons across the country have reported a sharp slump in business in the last week, following the gangland-style execution of an electrician in central London.

The Goodfellasesque Glocking experienced by jacket wearing foreigner Jean Charles de Menezes has led directly to a downturn in the number of Posh Spice wannabes requesting fashionable Brazilian waxes, for fear of twitchy coppers jumping on them and firing enough shots to actually remove their head from their body.

In a statement broadcast nation-wide on BBC1's Newsround (the premier news programme for the Brazilian wearing demographic) Charlene-Ferrari Blogs, spokesblonde for the Society for Preventing Angry Zits (SPAZ) said: "We've all been losin' money like cos that geezer got done dint 'e? Fing is 'e was Brazilian or somefin and no one wants to say the word aht lahd do they? Otherwise they might get shot in the 'ed like e' did 'specially wiv all them old bill abaht." She then tottered away to finish her coursework in GNVQ level 3 Nail Varnishing.

This will doubtless come as a surprise to the millions who have always perceived the clientèle of beauty salons (particularly in Essex) to be intelligent, sophisticated women with the ability to analyse current events rationally without flying into fits of paranoid hysteria. This reporter collared two local Bobbies on patrol yesterday to gauge their opinion. When presented with the question: "Do you think that ordinary members of the public have anything to fear from armed police in the current political climate?" the first said: "Of course not. Those officers licensed to carry firearms are extremely well trained and able to make split second decisions to preserve the safety of both the suspect and the general public."

At this point any plans of further questioning were scuppered when a bluebottle landed on his colleague's arm. Like a flash the speaker seized the offending fly by the wings and bundled it to the floor, where the second constable stamped on it eight times leaving nothing but a smear on the pavement. Upon closer inspection of the corpse he exclaimed: "Sh*it, I thought it was a wasp."

Despite the fact that enough electricians have now been slaughtered that, if the corpses were laid out end-to-end, they would stretch the entire length of an average coffin, it only seems to be the beauty industry that has suffered. Applications for courses in plumbing, electricianing, plastering and other trades have continued at their normal rate. In fact if anything most tradespeople remain stoic in the face of impending lead poisoning. The plumber who yesterday fixed your correspondent's leaky kitchen tap in a record time of only eight hours (at the competitive price of £436 + vat) opined that "'E ad it comin". Hopefully salon customers across the country will embrace this Spirit Of The Blitz mentality and halt the shameful victory the swivel-eyed fanatics have delivered upon them. Only time will tell.

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