Balham protest group in black Mormon wheelchair-bound PC rumpus

Today a newly-formed action group calling itself Protestants Insisting on SO19 Support has called on a government Taskforce® to investigate the reduction in the police presence at Balham Station. A spokesprotestant for the group claims the Northern Line Station went from a high of being protected by 13,487 officers last week, to a low of four today, one of whom was a black Mormon policewoman in a wheelchair.

"We feel it derisory that there is so little consistency," said Marvin Goulab Singh of PiSS, continuing: "We felt relatively safe last week with all the policepersons about even though they took up all the seats in the carriages. We were calling on London Underground to put on more trains to cope with the number of policepeople travelling on the Tube but that seems to have gone out the window now," he said, showing a indelicacy with his choice of expression. Singh, who converted to Protestantism when he was four years old, went on to demand The Authorities PLC resolve the issue immediately if not before.

"At the moment we are taking advice from our lawyers Cole, Cole, Gudjohnsen & Johnson and considering our options with respect to possible legal action against The Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority. A number of our membership incurred extensive and debilitating injuries queuing up at Balham station on the 14th of July and we feel a payment of £11,067.36 for each of the victims would be a fair offer." Injuries are said to have been caused by the excessive wait to use the ticket machine and to top-up Oyster cards. Members of PiSS have complained of mental duress, sore limbs, ennui, lassitude and, when one member fell down the escalator steps trying to move away from a "Muslim-looking woman in a hijab whose face was covered up so she looked like a ninja", the ninety-year-old broke her wrist having fallen under the wheels of the policewoman's wheelchair.

Mr. Singh, who is naturalised in the UK having moved to the Clapham South area of London with his family from Palestine at the beginning of July, says he started PiSS because he felt there was a need for a support group for a growing-number of people who have begun to feel victimised in the Borough of Wandsworth. "After what happened on 7/7, there was no one to turn to for support. I rang up all the usual victim groups but none of them were accepting new applicants. At PETA the phone just rang and rang. I really didn't know who to turn to. I tried the Samaritans but they were advising people that the wait was so long to speak to a volunteer that calls were being routed to India. I called that number but the Indian gentleman — who gave his name as "Rupert Smith" — sold me BT Friends and Family discounts which, while helpful and most timely, was of little use as he couldn't relate to what I've been going through."

Brian Paddick, the outspoken homosexual agnostic Commander of Police of neighbouring Borough of Lambeth, told Al Jazeera: "I spend a great deal of time on Clapham Common and, while I sympathise with Mr. Singh, I switched from BT to Cable and Wireless some time ago and I've never looked back, a turn of phrase that I appreciate might seem at odds with someone of my standing in the homosexual community." When pressed hard to comment on Protestants Insisting on SO19 Support, the limp-wristed benderist cooed: "I think peaceful protest is part of what forms the bedrock of our free and democratic society. This is a backs to the wall time for all Londoners and I, for one, refuse to live in that kind of society."

The Rockall Times was granted a short interview with an anonymous member of the highly-trained and equally highly-mysterious SO19. The Irishman, dressed head-to-toe in black and wearing a balaclava to obscure his face in a way not dissimilar to that of a hijab, said that it was not the job of SO19 to patrol "bloody" Balham Station seven days a week, 24 hours a day. He said that before 7/7, little had even been known of the existence of his group and that back then they had simply driven around Central London in their supercharged BMW X5's really fast, tooled up and laughing about the congestion charge.

Previously

• Defiant Brits battle on
• More suicide bombers may go bang, UK warned
• World salutes resolute Londoners