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  Monday 8th August 2005  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Tearful Blair pays tribute to Cook

Outstanding, extraordinary, dead
by our heartfelt obituaries department

A tearful Tony Blair yesterday paid tribute to former foreign secretary Robin Cook whose principled stand against the war in Iraq once caused the prime minister five minutes of irritation before he got back to the business of delivering democracy through the barrel of a gun.

Tony Blair: TearfulBlair said: "Robin was an outstanding, extraordinary talent — brilliant, incisive in debate, of incredible skill and persuasive power. This news will be received with immense sadness, not just in Britain but in many parts of the world."

Indeed, a visit to pretty well any public house across the UK last night found distraught punters sobbing into their pints. At Rockall's own Fighting Dog and Pikey, one inconsolable cider drinker confessed: "I fear for British democracy, I really do. As an advocate of parliamentary reform, Robert Cook was peerless. Oi, Sandra, stick a gin in here will ya?"

Another ashen-faced customer confessed: "Bob Cock's contribution to the Labour Party was immense. It's such a shame that he had to go blow it all over that Westland helicopter business when he giving that Zainab Badawi one. Is it true he kept his Chelsea shirt on when he was on the job? Crikey."

At the shove ha'penny table, two old men mournfully sipped without conviction at their light and mild as the full implications of Cork's death sank in. "Yes, I remember his resignation speech as if it were yesterday," mumbled one old timer through his precariously-fixed NHS dentures. "Although he admitted an error in judgement in fast-tracking his ex-missus' Filipino nanny's UK visa, his eloquent and incisive dismantling of the government's compulsory ID card scheme fair had me in tears, I can tell you."

"What's that you say?" shouted his companion. "Dominic Cork dead? Bloody hell, that's a real shame. He never did fulfil his full potential, did he? I mean, his 1995 test debut against the Windies was sensational, but it was all downhill from there."

"No you silly old bugger," shouted the Fighting Dog and Pikey's landlord, Vince. "Dominic Cork still plays for Lancashire. It's Dominic Monaghan who's dead. He fell off a mountain while leading a Lord of the Rings walking tour. Hold on a minute, I can't meself think with this racket..."

At this point Vince grabbed the TV remote control and terminated a heartfelt tribute from some bloke in Africa who was banging on about some ginger geezer who popped his clogs on a Scottish hill somewhere.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man