Eyewitnesses recount Toronto air crash terror (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

High winds, tornadoes, heavy rain, floods, ice, blizzards, falling acorns and lightning

Members of the public were put at considerable risk in the aftermath of Air France flight 358's spectacular arrival at Pearson International Airport in Toronto, we can reveal. The plane, an Airbus A340-300 was en route from Paris' Charles de Gaulle Airport and landed in Toronto at 16:03 p.m. EDT. The weather at the time was severe, with high winds, tornadoes, heavy rain, floods, ice, blizzards, falling acorns and lightning. In a Rockall Times exclusive, it has been proved that by 16:05 p.m. EDT, television crews had been mobilised from Sky News, BBC Worldwide, CNN, ITV with Trevor MacDonald, CBC, CTV, ABC, NBC, Canal Plus, MTV, Canale Italia, RAI News 24, The Biography Channel, RTL, Nickelodeon, VIVA Polska, TV Amistad, Croatel DSNG TV, CCTV4, Bravo, Se7en, National Geographic Channel, the Weather Network, VH1, Imparja Television, and UK Gold.

Commuters on Toronto's busy Highway 401 were already having to contend with inclement weather, rush-hour and being attacked by French Airbus A340-300s when 47 vehicles were dispatched from the assorted television media outlets to cover the breaking headline news. One eye-witness, Robert Beäugié, said the media drivers were driving like "something out of the Wacky Races. Sky TV was the first to hear of the crash. Apparently they knew is was going to happen four minutes before the plane actually slid off the runway. Based on that knowledge, they were able to get a head start on the others. By the time the plane had crashed Sky had already set up their operation on the hard shoulder of the 401 and was transmitting live pictures. The rest of 'em were pretty well neck-and-neck. The BBC van was trying to force the CNN car off the road when Trevor MacDonald went speeding past in his state-of-the-art mobile studio with MTV's Xhibit, driving a pimped out 'B' reg Vauxhall Corsa, in hot pursuit."

Film acquired from the highway department of the Ontario RCMP by The Rockall Times shows 26 half-ton mobile media vehicles racing at breakneck speed to the scene of the wobbly Air France landing. "They were weaving in and out of traffic and carving up semi-trailers and buses full of happy, singing, innocent school children excited about their summer holidays," said bearded Jean-Malcolm McMounty of the RCMP. "These media types not only broke the Canadian Highway Code but all known Health and Safety© rules as well. A number of drivers had not bothered with safety belts and some were even chatting on their mobile phones. The Australian contingent was driving up the wrong side of the highway against oncoming traffic and racing the Indians. We have launched an inquiry and will be filing a full report on the matter though don't expect a quick result as it's the tourist season and to be honest we spend most of our time entertaining tourists with our pageantry, equestrianism and traditional RCMP costumes, eh," said McMounty who claims to have never watched Due South.

Rumours that the Air France pilot had tipped off Sky News could not be confirmed at time of press though it is known that BBC Worldwide won what is known in media circles as The Rupert Murdoch Vase with a solid second place finish at the crash site. Little-known Polish channel VIVA Polska came in third to win The Conrad Black Award for Velocity though insiders suspect that the Polish entry, who were all on bicycles, were simply lost and on their way to Montréal to cover the 1976 Summer Olympics. The driver for America's ABC network, Niki Lauda, said the handling of his Ferrari Ford Transit had been gravely affected by his choice of Michelin tyres. "I should have known better," said the world's second most famous Austrian. "Since Falco died there has been a lot of pressure on me to be the most famous Austrian and today it got the better of me," he sobbed.

Reached for comment late last night, Bono said he was shocked to hear of the outrageous and irresponsible behaviour of the media. "I am shocked to hear of the outrageous and irresponsible behaviour of the media," he said from his palace in the mountains of Ireland.

Eyewitnesses recount Toronto air crash terror

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