Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers

Regulars readers will by now be accustomed to the sexual antics of over-excitable office girl Gemma — the first UK female to hold her brown, yellow, pink and black wings by the age of 16, to have "blown" an entire men's volleyball team in under 11 minutes and current holder of the world's "snatch and lift" title, secured in Helsinki when the athletic minx lifted 2.3 kilos of lipsticks in a Gucchi handbag attached by a length of chain to her Matthew Pinsent novelty labial piercing.

It should come as no surprise, then, that Gemma takes a keen interest in all things sporting. Indeed, her analysis of Shane Warne's spin technique ("Bow-legged for a week, totally satisfied as a woman") and current UK's athletics prospects ("They say it's so long he can give you nine inches and there's still enough showing to hang a Union Jack from") are a continual source of enlightenment to all of us here at the Erotic Digest.

Of course, Gemma is also a keen football fan, and the prospect of another season of breathless end-to-end action fair has the girl giddy with excitement. I should note, however, that she has little time for the technical aspects of the Beautiful Game, could not in all honesty name more than a couple of Premiership high-fliers (Jose Mourinho excepted: "He can shag me until by buttocks bounce like footballs kicked by Pele") and is blissfully ignorant of the finer points of the offside rule.

No, what's significant here is the phrase "end-to-end" in the context of what I have just learned is one of the most cherished of footballing manoevres — the "spit roast" — apparently the practice of tackling top professionals at both ends simultaneously.

For those of you who, like me, had a less libertine youth than young Gemma, I will reluctantly explain that the spit roast involves being taken from behind by one hideously empurpled Premiership member while offering oral relief to an equally engorged length of throbbing gristle.

"Oooh, lovely," is how Gemma recounts the experience, ignoring my protests that traditional sexual intercourse with just one footballer is a revolting prospect — even if conducted while on valium and via a hole in a sheet.

Further probing, though, encouraged Gemma to admit that having "a spam javelin at one end and a pork sword at the other" was "technically challenging" given that "the guy at the back is vigorously probing your defences while the bloke up front is trying not get caught offside with his balls in an illegal position".

In plain English, this means that it is virtually impossible to administer a "blow-job" while being "pumped" from the rear without ending up with "a cock right down your throat and a mouthful of bollocks".

"The worst thing is," lamented Gemma, "once they'd shot their loads they just autographed one buttock each with an indelible felt marker and then buggered off back to training. I never did get that VIP seat at Stamford Bridge I was promised."

The prosecution rests. The general feeling around the office is that poor Gemma would do well to switch allegiance to a team which might offer better prospects of free tickets in return for sexual favours. "Try the Milton Keynes Dons," offered Sapphic editor Dierdre Bellbottom. "They're so down on their luck you'd probably get a season ticket for the directors' box in return for giving the groundsman's assistant a hand job."

Suffice it to say, Gemma is as we speak packing her overnight bag and polishing her Zinedine Zidane nipple piercings in anticipation of a fruitful expedition to the UK's brightest and newest footballing town.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest

Read Rowan Raunchbitch on:

• The office party
• Executive relief
• The joys of text
• The second coming of Rockall
• Fisting
• The pearl necklace
• The dirty weekend
• Shaving
• Frottage
• Bondage
• Water sports
• Tongues
• Lesbian
• Anal
• Threesomes