Wenger rages at Emperor Mourinho

Arsene Wengorix, the Gallic chief of the Arsenii tribe, yesterday kicked off the traditional campaigning season against Emperor of all the Chelseas Jose Mourinho with a devastating attack during which he accused the Iberian demigod of having cheated during the Blues' Charity Sheild triumph on Saturday and furthermore of being directly involved in the apparent assassination of Sudan's newly-appointed vice president John Garang.

Garang was killed in a helicopter crash last week and depsite Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni's claim that the casue of the crash was unknown, Wengorix has convinced himself that the dark hand of Mourinho hangs over the matter.

In a hastily-arranged press conference, the Gunners' supremo launched a tirade of wild accusations against Mourinho and his team, including that of "timewasting" and "political assassination to further Chelsea's European ambitions". He also called Mourinho's suit "crap" and said he "stank of cheap garlic".

In the land of the northern tribes, meanwhile, Alexus Maximus Fergusonius of the Mancunii also condemned the Garang incident as "totally unacceptable", adding: "This kind of political shenanigans at this crucial stage of the season is quite simply outrageous. It's exactly this sort of ill-conceived decision which can cost us vital points and seriously damage our merchandising revenue prospects for the 1995-6 season. We'll be asking the FA to look into the matter and act accordingly."

When asked what he meant by "accordingly", Fergusonius simply stated: "The Premiership title should be adequate recompense," before sweeping imperiously from the room in search of a lackey to beat with a sharpened football boot.

Previously

• Majority of Muslims back radical hate preacher
• Emperor Mourinho threatens fabric of time and space
• Ferguson-Wenger fight off: Official