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  Monday 15th August 2005  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
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What can you buy for £110,000 a week?

Argos makes you an offer you may well be able to refuse
by Bob Wallet

Summer madness has hit the high street as Argos unveils its "Biggest Bestest Summer Sale". Alongside the DVD players for three quid, fresh lobster for eighty pence a brace, and glow-in-the-dark toilet seats for a fiver there is a new interactive section which, in Argos's own words: "Creates an enhanced shopper experience."

Argos gives the shopper a price choice; for a fixed amount they can buy this or they can purchase that. And if you have £110,000 the sky's the limit. On the table, code number 811 354 is Rio Ferdinand's weekly salary at Manglazer United, described in the Argos sale catalogue as a "crap defender who scores goals every ten years, stalwart of the England back four, but not a patch on John Terry at Spartak Chelsea". Shoppers can then indulge in the "enhanced experience" by selecting instead one of the following:

  • Two million anti-malaria vaccines.
  • 120 000 cataract operations in sub-Saharan Africa.
    • the educational sponsorship of 90,000 children under the age of seven in Central America.
  • 55,000 wells providing clean water in East Africa.
  • 35,000 micro-loans to women farmers in central Asia.
  • Five million water filtration capsules.
  • A six month locust eradication programme in Mali, Mauritania and Niger.
  • Ten tractors, taxed and insured for two years in Bangladesh.
  • Twenty million packets of penicillin.

Pini Zahavi, Rio Ferdinand's representative described the Argos scheme as interesting. The Rockall Times asked him whether Ferdinand's salary was more important than, for example, children's education in Central America? "Well, Rio inspires kids all over the world. You can go from Burma in China, to Brasilia in Mexico and see kids with their socks pulled over their knees and trying not to score goals. He's an real effluence on younger kids globally. Yeah, he's a global brand."

However, Brad Twatt, a football agent who represents several major Premiership footballers was quick to condemn Argos's tactics. "Cynical shi*t, that's what I fuc*kin call it. Cynical shi*t. Why pick on Rio? Eh, why pick on Rio? Footballers are worth every fuc*kin penny of their celeries, and a lot of them were fuc*kin urchins with no future before football rewarded them for their skills. So one or two rape people, beat up their wives, visit prossies et cetera, but who doesn't these days? Who doesn't rape people these days, eh?"

We contacted Argos to see how there scheme was progressing. "We've had a slow take-up," said Argos Summer Madness Initiative Co-ordinator Theresa Smallpack gloomily. We thought lots of people would take up the offer, but so far no-one has paid up. We'll probably reduce the scheme to give the choice between tennis pro's winnings and British causes, but things are under discussion."

"In my day," said Bert Pike, 106-year-old ex-wing half with Carlisle United in their 1927 Champions' League semi-finalist squad, "players had a travel allowance of fourpence. Bus tickets were sixpence from Carlisle to Gillingham, but the club provided us snap on match days. The money these lads are on now would have got me from Carlisle to Exeter and back twenty eight thousand times a minute. It's obscene!"

Harry Rednapp was unavailable for comment. His agent told The Rockall Times: "Arry's in sarf Liberia at the moment. E finks he cud get Big Ron ome by Christmas, so we's keeping ar fingers crossed."

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