Bono hat deal saves Rockall Highland Crumplehorn

Times have been tough for all farmers on Rockall in recent years but especially so for the traditional sheep farmers who continue to breed the Rockall Highland Crumplehorn. Although fully-grown adults can stand over 4ft high at the shoulder and weigh more than a small family car their meat is tough, greasy and often diseased making it unsuitable even for high street kebab shops. Their horns are also deformed and brittle and even the Vikings were unable to fashion weapons out of them (in fact, it is rumoured that the breed first came to the island when passing longships deliberately dumped them there, hoping they would die out). Only their tough wool with it's wiry fibres has any commercial use but it's unfortunate resemblance to human public hair has meant demand has slumped since the fad for comedy merkins died out in the 1860s. Today, many livelihoods are under threat and the very breed itself is on the verge of extinction.

But that could all soon change after Rockall sheep farmer Eddie Flange secured the lucrative contract to supply the wool for Bono's new winter hat. Frank Herring, Project Enginner for MacAlpine Construction who are lead contractors for the project, confirmed that it must be made from the wool of the Highland Crumplehorn. "We've tested hundreds of different types of wools and this is the only one strong enough to cope with the immense strains and stresses generated by a roving rock punditry lifestyle," he confirmed at a press conference in front of Flange Farm. "This is a great news for the farm and the future of the Crumplehorn as well," beamed a delighted and slightly inebriated Mr Flange, "but it's fantastic news for me. I'm going to be bloody rich !"

Estimates of the amount of wool needed vary but it is widely believed that every last sheep on the island will be required for the task. The will not present a problem, however, as the last order for Crumplehorn wool was in 1965 by the MoD to develop a new doormat for its submarines, a short-lived project that ended with the first British naval mutiny since HMS Bounty in 1789.

As the good news spread other sheep farmers arrived to negotiate sub-contracts but not all the Flanges are dreaming of wealth. Elspeth Flange, at 116 the oldest of the clan, sees this as an ideal opportunity to revive old craft traditions. "When I was a girl," she croaked, "all the women of the village used to gather up the wool and then soak it to remove the parasites. Them buggers weren’t half nasty," she recalled. Indeed, medical records show they were more than "nasty" and before WW1 accounted for more than half of all female fatalities on the Island. "You had to mash them with your bare feet in big vats of urine to be sure of killin' them. 'Course, no one uses urine now y' know. My Eddie uses stolen cannisters of nuclear waste he buys off those Greenpeace fellas," she cackled, before being bundled back indoors by Eddie.

However, not everyone is so enthusiastic. A Saville Row milliner, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity and who claims to have seen the designs for the hat called it "...ugly, pretentious and ... looking like a giant lady garden".

A spokesperson for Bono confirmed that he will soon walk to Rockall from his multi-million pound mansion in Ireland for a fitting before going to Scotland to personally select the mature Scots Pines that will be felled and used as the knitting needles.

On receipt of the news shares in Flange Woolen and Associated Products (FWAAP) rose 22 pins on the Rockall stock exchange to finish the day at 1 feck 68/.

Previously

• Rock star found logged on to bestiality website while having sex with goat was 'just doing research' police told
• Rockall wins Lonely Planet commendation
• The Rockall Recipe of the Week