Defiant Iran rattles high-speed sabre

A top Iranian official has warned Europe and the United States against referring his country to the UN Security Council over the fact Iran now has full high-speed internet capabilities.

Iran's chief delegate to the International Internet Dial-Up Agency, Cyrus Nasseri, was speaking after Iran broke seals placed on cable internet server equipment at a depot in Isfahan. Iranian technicians are rumoured to have resumed work on a broadband programme which Europe and the United States fear could lead to speeds of up to 2 meg. Asked what the country's attitude would be if it were referred to the UN Security Council and faced sanctions, Mr. Nasseri responded: "I think that would be a grave miscalculation by the United States, and particularly by Europe, to move to towards the path of confrontation. There is no legal base whatsoever to go to the Security Council — if it is, it is by political choosing and it will be big big mistake."

The move prompted a flurry of worried comments from European countries which have tried to persuade Iran to limit its national internet programme in return for economic incentives like unlimited re-runs of Baywatch and heavily-subsidised Devonshire clotted cream. Boris Jumper of the Acronym Registration Society (England), said a catchy acronym for the Iranian Internet Dial-Up Agency fell outside his remit though he speculated it might be possible to come up with something better in Farsi. "ﺏﺎﺴﺤ ﻥﻴﺸﺎﻤ ‘ﻩﺩﻨﺭﺎﻤﺸ looks quite good," said Mr. Jumper, "especially when written in Garamond font and italicised though I'm not sure what it says." Hermann Goebbels of the Luxembourg Association of Broadband Interface Alliance shouted: "Wie oft wird sie aktualisiert? Ist er IBM-kompatibel?"

Other European countries were quick to act. The Italian government raised its national alert from "shouting excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing," while zzzGermans have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs" in moves uncannily similar to a tiresome email that did the rounds for the umpteenth time in the past week. Experts and lazy journalists believe that within the next 48 hours the French government would raise its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" and having seen the reaction in continental Europe the Americans will go from "isolationism" to "find somewhere ripe for regime change" — leaving them only two alerts away from full "take on the world" and "ask the British for help" alerts.

Boffins at The Rockall Times Helpdesk say Iran's new capacity for 2 meg broadband internet is "40 times faster than a 56kbps dial-up service — superfast!" Early reports have shown that the most popular Iranian searches since the arrival of broadband have been for Winmx — a popular file-sharing application — which has been followed closely by searches for Will Young, "jpegs of naked ankles" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by 1980s songbird Cyndi Lauper. Iran has said it will not take the more dramatic step of restarting its wireless internet programme, which would threaten to overwhelm servers in California's Napa Valley, without a negotiated deal with Europe.

Speculation that Manchester City's talented midfielder Joey Barton had masterminded the illegal Iranian broadband operation continued to rise at time of press. More follows...

Previously

• Those Iranian election results in full
• Rogue nuclear states? Don’t worry — it’s not the end of the world
• US rattles sabre over Iranian 'state terrorism'