It's all go at New Trafford

Big Changes afoot(ball) for Manchester Hedgehogs

by Regina Marracco

Tampa Bay, Florida — In a chance encounter at a 7/11 mini mart in Pinellas Pines, this reporter scored an exclusive interview with a close associate of Avi Glazer, son of billionaire Manchester United owner Malcolm Glazer. The young woman, dressed in thigh high boots, a lycra mini and bustierre, was picking up some Coors, Doritos and blow on her way to a planning session at Avi's pad. By standing close to her at the beer cooler, I ascertained that soccer fans' worst fears will soon become all too real.

The young lady...um....woman confirmed that Mr. Glazer does not like the name "Manchester United", feeling that it gives an impression of "union", like communist loving trade unions. American football teams all have strong, colorful names like "Eagles", "Broncos" or "Giants". A contest at one of Mr. Glazer's trailer parks, "Happy Trails", put "Hedgehogs" as the favorite of a list of British animals, slightly ahead of "Mad Cows." The associate also confided that there will, indeed, be a cheerleading squad, as yet unnamed, but scantily clad and able to do explicit stunts with the goal nets between periods.

Sadly, the team colors will be changed to red, white and blue, with "oodles of cute stars." The uniforms will be modified to resemble American football gear, and a scaled-down version of a helmet will be mandatory. No decision has been reached on whether the helmets will have those gross little teeth guards, dripping with saliva, that hang from the face mask, as protecting their teeth is not high on the average Brit's agenda.

Referees, who will be henceforth called "Zebras" in American style, will wear white pants, black and white striped shirts, and baseball caps. In American football, Zebras are a constant source of ridicule, and must be agile to dodge beer bottles, snowballs, and frozen hotdogs. Mr. Glazer felt that having the officials dressed similarly to the players could jeopardize the health of his team, as a missile might strike a player by mistake.

Additionally, and probably most devastating to Man U fans, is the dastardly plot to hire Jon Gruden as the new Coach. Mr. Gruden, referred to by fans and enemies, as Chucky (from the slasher movies), took the Bucaneers from the NFL cellar to Super Bowl contention before being wooed by another football team for millions of dollars. The Glazers are convinced Man U could only improve under Chucky's tutelage. At least until he jumps ship again and moves on to Chelsea.

As this reporter is certain that footy fans are now crying in their beer unashamedly, I will spare you additional details like a large furry mascot, ala the Philly Phanatic, a large green something or other, who harasses spectators at baseball games, and seating sections reserved for special needs supporters with names like "The Dog Pound", "Hog Heaven", "The Jet Stream", or in my own home stadium, "The 700 Section". On a positive note, I believe the new fight song, "Hedgehogs Must Stand Up and Be Counted" is being composed by Sir Elton John.

Speculation that the Hedgehogs will be forced to cross the pond weekly to play exhibition matches with American football teams could not be confirmed. However, some brilliant hacking by a mate at a pub in Brixton did confirm that the team has all been assigned US Airways frequent flyer numbers.

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